You might recall the story about Tiger Woods‘ garish new digs earlier this week, or this summer’s pictures of Derek Jeter’s 31,000 sq. ft. supermansion going up. Hey, if you’re worth nine digits, you live like it, pal. To nobody’s surprise, both those men are going to have extra security around their homes to keep out the prying eyes of superfans who are unhinged from reality, like Ed Werder or Rachel Nichols. Sorry, but that whole Favre thing was weird, you two.
One of Jeter’s neighbors on the Davis Islands is Anthony Sullivan, who you might remember if you watch way, way too much bad television. He’s basically taking over Billy Mays‘ job. He wants the same exact six-foot-high fence around his property that Jeter has, and neighbors aren’t terribly impressed; Anthony Sullivan’s famous, but he’s no Jeter (better defensive range, for one).
He wanted a six-foot privacy wall like his Davis Islands neighbor, Derek Jeter, so badly, Anthony Sullivan copied his request for a code variance word-for-word. Unfortunately for Billy Mays’ former partner on the TV show “Pitchmen,” the city’s Variance Review Board (VRB) may not see him in the same light.
And while the Davis Islands Civic Association opposes the move based on the possible precedent set, neighbors were lining up to ask the board to reject the claim based on what they called the request’s absurdity.
“There’s nobody driving by just to see Anthony Sullivan’s home,” said neighbor Linda Misner, who said the home is used more as a set for informercials than a residence for the pitchman. “There’s no security concerns, except for maybe the production crew.”
She also scoffed at his suggestion - copied from Jeter’s request - that a wall would help neighbors by “reducing foot and auto traffic” on the quiet street.
Now, the meeting’s not until January, but fortunately for all of you, we already have a transcript between the board and Sullivan. Don’t ask questions, just say thank you and read along.
[Setting: a board room two sizes too big, with the overhead lights buzzing.]
Board member: Mr. Sullivan, we’ve decided to decline your request for the higher fence.
Anthony Sullivan: But why? I copied Jeter’s request word for word, and you let him have a big fence!
Yes, we noticed that. You did exactly that, so much so that you referred to yourself as Derek Jeter several times.
That was a, um, typographical error.
That’s good to hear; we’d worried that you were deluding yourself into some Fight Club, Tyler Durden-type of dual identity. No need to institutionalize you after all.
Nothing. Look, we granted Mr. Jeter the variance on account of the fact that he’s substantially more popular than you, and thus in more need of a higher fence.
What? But I’m Anthony Sullivan of television! I’m a pitchman!
Yes, yes, we’re aware, so we decided to use as objective a test as possible. So we put each of your first names into Google and saw where on the list you each came up.
Now hang on, Anthony’s a much more common–
Silence, Mr. Sullivan. Silence. We put your name in first, and you were in tenth place on the list of results. You were below some people we’d never even heard of, like Anthony Parker and Anthony Weiner.
You said Weiner.
Yes, yes, we all had a good chuckle about that at the office. His parents must hate him. Then we checked Derek Jeter.
He was the number one answer on the list of Dereks, of course.
Well, but if we’re both top 10–
He was also numbers 4, 6, 8 and 9.
I don’t follow.
Those were “derek jeter stats,” “derek jeter girlfriend,” “derek jeter engaged,” and “derek jeter herpes.”
It’s a serious illness, Mr. Sullivan. Very serious.
No it’s not, it’s very amusing.
Okay, it’s funny. Point is, he’s way, way more famous than you, and we’re giving him the six-foot high fence because he needs it.
I see. Say, how tall is Alex Rodriguez?
Let me check. …says here 6′3″. Why?
Oh, no reason. Hope Jeter keeps his blinds shut at night.
Mr. Sullivan, if Derek Jeter wanted a fence tall enough to keep A-Rod’s eyes off him, we would have given it to him. That’s about all I’ll say. Request for a variance is denied, and the meeting is dismissed. Good day.