Pitching Machine Burgled In Poorly Planned Heist

We all did some pretty stupid things in college. For some reason I thought it imperative to steal a table, two chairs and a hand truck from our student center. But at least all those things eventually came in handy. So what’s one student’s excuse for stealing a pitching machine?

Pitching Machine

Michael Szarnrej, a student at Salem State, had a foolproof plan to walk into the athletic center, take out a 65-pound pitching machine, and tell an employee he “just wanted to use it.” The plan, shockingly, didn’t work.


Szarnrej, 19, pleaded not guilty to one count of larceny, and I think he’s got a case. After all, no one actually saw him do it. Oh wait…

Then the two workers looked out the window and saw Szarnrej lugging the 65-pound machine down Canal Street.

But surely they couldn’t make a positive identification! After all, the criminal mastermind did his deed under cover of darkness. Oh wait…

Szarnrej allegedly went into the O’Keefe Center around 2:30 p.m. and picked up the machine, an Atec Casey-2 model valued at $1,250, according to a campus police report.

But surely if he wanted to get away with it, he would have. He would have had a getaway planned. Oh, wait…

They called campus police, who quickly spotted Szarnrej and the machine at the Global gas station. Szarnrej was on his cell phone, apparently looking for a ride.