Phelps Not Floating High in These Suits Anymore

Remember last summer’s Olympics?  You know, the one with all the swimming records broken and the tokin’ Mark Spitz himself, Michael Phelps? Remember how we all tuned in to watch Phelps win medal after medal and record after record fall?

Natalie Coughlin

(Surprisingly, both suits made swimming sexy last summer)

Now that the last few dollars have been collected and plans have been made to pave paradise and put up a parking lot (and a shopping center), the international swimming body has decided to tear down the Speedo LZR Racer suits and other suits like them that made history possible.

Michael Phelps Speedo

(Don’t worry; someone will still Photoshop out Phelps’ package in the new suits)

By next year, all swimsuits will have to ditch the extra buoyancy, stop covering all the horribly ill-conceived human skin that’s been slowing down swimmers for eons, and cease using all that waterproof material.

Of course, they’ll still be allowed to wear swimsuits of some kind, which at once seems like cheating continued and a missed opportunity for ratings gold.  And what about Phelps’ iPod doping?

Setting the turnover date to 2010 for dumping metaphorical chlorine into the international pool allows Speedo and the swimsuit-come-latelys that invested millions in this research to make money off the current suits as long as possible until new research would have been required anyway.

Also, making swimsuit manufacturers submit their designs and suits many months in advance stops FINA from looking foolish again just before the Olympics.  (More foolish than usual, anyway.)

Therefore, the all-important sponsors get what they need and FINA gets to look pure again.  Expect to be drowning in “the spirit of swimming and sport” or some such nonsense by the time we breaststroke ashore to the British Isles.