PGA Tour Pro Says Sergio Garcia Needs A Fresh Diaper

• ANON PGA PRO - SERGIO GARCIA NEEDS A FRESH DIAPER: SI hands column space to an anonymous PGA Tour player, and as you might expect, our favorite Major-less Spaniard gets fed a Greyhound grill: “Sergio Garcia needs a fresh diaper. Did you hear him crying about how he got lousy breaks and had to beat more than simply the other guys in the field? I guess God, Mother Nature and the Ghosts of Christmas Past were triple-teaming him or something.

Sergio Garcia

Sergio, there’s only one reason you didn’t win at Carnoustie — you shot 73 on an easy scoring day when everyone who could play dead threw up a 67 or a 68. He needs an attitude adjustment. Or he needs to grow up.

It’s one thing to quote an anonymous source, but it seems curious that SI has given so much space to an incognito (and obviously second-tier) PGA player who loves nothing better than taking cheap shots at his more successful brethren. That said, he hit the sweet spot on Sergio.

• NASCAR driver Tony Stewart to USA TODAY on ESPN’s hypocritical harping about his post-race celebration practices (he said he planned to celebrate his July 15 Nextel Cup USG Sheetrock 400 victory with a case of Schlitz): “I don’t want anybody from ESPN talking about how irresponsible I am. Heaven forbid you actually have fun in life.

Chris Berman Drinks Beer During Pro Bowl

Guess ESPN execs are unaware of their very own lardass on-the-job boozehound.

• John Vogl of the BUFFALO NEWS, like the rest of us, takes perverse delight in relaying ugly details (via the NEW YORK POST) from the recent salary arbitration hearing involving the biggest a-hole in The League, Sean Avery: “The New York Post claims the Rangers berated his play in an attempt to keep his salary down. He was ‘a reasonably effective player as well as a detriment to the team,’ management reportedly said.

‘Avery is not a mature player. He plays, at times, like an individual rather than a member of a team. This is sometimes referred to as an inability to see the ice, and in Avery’s case this seems to fit with his overall approach to the game.’

Avery claimed to be shocked and hurt: “It’s hard not to take something like that personally and not to be emotional about it.

• While we were catching up Super Password Episodes (Bert Convy!) on Game Show Network last Sunday (on our favorite airline, JetBlue), DEADSPIN reported on Pau Gasol appearing on the cover of the Spanish edition of Rolling Stone magazine:

Pau Gasol

Based on the editorial and political bent of R.S., wouldn’t a cover featuring a mid-80s druggie burnout like Michael Ray Richardson have been more appropriate?

• FINALLY, SUZY KOLBER GETS HER SAG CARD!: Liz Smith of the NEW YORK POST breathlessy reports to tri-staters that Paramount Pictures wants to make a movie about the life of Joe Namath. Jake Gyllenhaal “is first choice to play Joe.

• WE’ll KICK IN $20 FOR THE JOCK STRAP DRAWER PLAQUE: The HONOLULU ADVERTISER reports the University of Hawaii will sell naming rights for various sections of a new football office complex,

UH AD Herman Frazier said that naming rights would be available “starting at around $50,000 for a single assistant coach’s office.” Frazier: “The football video room might be somewhere around $100,000 to $200,000 … If someone wants to give us $1[M] to have his name on [coach] June Jones’ office, we would be able to do that.

• BECKS FREED UP FOR FRED SEGAL AFTER MLS BLOWOFF: David Beckham didn’t make the trip for the Galaxy’s game at Dallas tonight, and that has the folks running FC Dallas irate. The game is sold out (with some paying as much as $265 for tix). Not to mention the Dallas club had erected billboards around the city touting Beckham’s appearance - and had a countdown clock on the team’s website (which has since been taken down).

Beckham is out with an ankle tweak, and Galaxy officials preferred to have him stay in L.A. for treatment than make the trip.

The LOS ANGELES TIMES reports FC Dallas “pushed for an 11th-hour resolution that would have brought Beckham to Dallas, even if just to wave at the crowd.” FC Dallas manager Steve Morrow: “Beckham is here to sell tickets as well. They have to accept that responsibility.

Meanwhile, the LAT also reports a prank caller impersonating Beckham phoned the Los County Sheriff’s offices “about a dozen times” last week “with offers to host charity events [for kids], give away game tickets and autograph jerseys.

Beckham’s handlers were aghast when hearing about the calls, “which they described as ‘awful’ and potentially disappointing to kids.

Yeah, Beckham certainly can’t afford to take time out of his busy (self) promotional schedule to give back to charity.

• REASON #1,746 WE KILLED OUR TEEVEE LONG AGO: As if the “Age of Love” isn’t bad enough, manwhoring empty vessel Mark Philippoussis has this stream of verbal diarrhea about his dreck being aired by ABC: “The girls are so vulnerable, exposing themselves and opening up. So I feel like s— on elimination night.

Sometimes the producers will give me a shot of alcohol to relax me. But it’s getting worse. The other day, I cried during ‘Jerry Maguire.’ Last night, I cried during a commercial. I’m like, ‘What’s going on with me?’ I’m not here to hurt anyone. All I can do is be true to myself.

• Jerry Jones just clipped this Tony Romo quote from the DALLAS OBSERVER: “My agent doesn’t like to hear this, but I love playing this game. If it’s for $100 or $1 million …whatever.

Tony Romo

Romo’s contract status is up in the air with the Cowboys, and after Romo’s flub to end last season, Jones is more inclined to acknowledge the former.

• Today’s random Brady Quinn party pictures are brought to you by (via THE BIG LEAD):

Brady Quinn