Female Boxer Beats Up British Soldiers For Kissing

If you know me, then you know I like stories with female Canadian boxers who knock out male British soldiers with one punch, and in the ensuing melee someone’s nose gets bitten off. That’s why I’m so glad that I came into work this morning.

Ashley Wolfe

Ashley Wolfe (above), the 5-foot-3 wife of a British army sergeant, had been “drinking heavily” at a party and reportedly become enraged when she saw other soldiers pretending to be gay on the dance floor. Screaming “This shouldn’t be allowed in the British Army!” she went on the attack, and now search parties are on the lookout for someone’s nose.

It was actually Wolfe’s husband who lost the proboscis, but we’ll let the DAILY MAIL tell it:

She grabbed Sgt Holland by his tie and pulled him to the floor, according to an eye-witness. Two men tried to pull her off before Wolfe stormed into the foyer.

Sgt Holland’s wife Joanne followed her. She told the court: ‘I went through into the foyer. She was stood a couple of metres away and I asked her what was wrong.

‘She said “Don’t mess with me: I’m a Canadian boxer”. She then just hit me on the right side of my face. The bruising went all the way down my cheek.

‘Everything went very blurry and dark and I felt incredible pain in my cheek bone.’

Jaques Howell, prosecuting, said: ‘Following the assault on Ms Holland a melee broke out and four people appeared to be involved.

‘After a while Mr Fallows enters this melee, Mrs Wolfe goes over to him, administers a single punch and knocked him out cold.’

Mrs Wolfe’s husband had his nose bitten off during the ensuing fight.

In her police interview, read to the court, Mrs Wolfe claimed she reacted when she saw male British squaddies ‘kissing’ and ‘grinding’ on the dance floor.

She said: ‘All these guys started kissing each other and humping each other. They were kissing each other, holding each other and grinding, basically having sex with clothes on standing up. I’d say there were about seven guys dancing around, off and on.’

Sleeper

(”He’ll do it! I’ve seen him shoot a nose!”)

Wolfe did not show up for a subsequent court date, where she was found guilty of assault.

And we’ll leave you with this:

Coldstream Guardsman Danny Bradley said Mrs Wolfe told him earlier in the evening: ‘You are not the British soldiers we seen on TV, you are all gay.’

Graham Chapman

(Gays in the British military? This post is getting rather silly … let’s move on. Well, get on with it!)