PETA, that clear-headed, red-paint-tossing, band of animal rights advocates has put together a bracket of mad scientists, with “16 of the nation’s most reprehensible, university-funded animal torturers going head-to-head” in what is surely to be the most depressing of the mock gimmicky tournaments out there.

They’re calling it the first-ever Vivisector of the Week tournament and it seems not at all more civil than the regular old NCAA Tournament. Just look at some of the match-ups — UMBC vs. Georgetown? Hoya versus Retriever? Why, that’s dog fighting! And didn’t PETA have something to say about that when Michael Vick got busted for it?

The first contest is up, with Patrick Kochanek from Pitt, who has attempted to reanimate animals after they’ve been dead for a few hours, going against Arthur Weber from Michigan State, who operates on optic nerves of cats before removing their eyes and killing them.

The loser, of course, will be sent to Gai, Spirit of the Earth, for necessary castigation.