Parker and Eva: A Public Divorce From Reality?

Yesterday I posted about a regular blind item feature published by EOnline.com reporter Ted Casablanca that recently verified Eva Longoria as one of its subjects.

Eva and Tony Blind Vice

Casablanca’s “Blind Vice” postings detail what he claims are the secret sexual proclivities of anonymous celebrities. While Casablanca does not name anyone in the entries, he does occasionally confirm certain celebrities who have appeared in past posts by adding them to his “Blind Vice Gallery” of photos. Though identified, the celebs are not directly connected to any of the innumerable past Blind Vice entries.

Longoria’s photo was added to the Blind Vice gallery by Casablanca three months ago amid  speculation by some EOnline.com readers that she and husband Tony Parker appeared as “Secretia Ohio” and “Chester Shorts-off” in two previous Blind Vice posts by Casablanca originating early in the year.

Eva Longoria Tony Parker

On Feb. 5, 2010, Casablanca wrote the following about “Secretia” and “Chester”:

Secretia, an impressively put-together gal of verve, good looks and surprising steeliness, has long gotten it on with tons o’ guys, even though the public pretty much doesn’t know. And some folks were a bit surprised when she married Chester, an incredibly talented dude who’s always so busy keeping his gorgeous face smiling, no one’s really stopped to think what a slut he is.

But major STD-alert? Man, is he ever:

Chester sleeps with guys as often as his career provides him with huge-ass checks. This was a little known fact when Chesty and Secretia married, to much public pronouncement. How wonderful the pretty charmer hooked the quieter, chiseled-jaw type. What a celebrity fairy-tale romance everybody thought it would be!

The public couldn’t have been more wrong—or uninformed.

On March 19, 2010, Casablanca wrote of the same couple:

As we told you last, Secretia and Chester are pretending like it’s 1969, or something, and attending select Hollywood parties where they throw car keys into bowls and have sex with whichever partyer’s keys they pull out.

And you people say us gays are kinky!

Jeez, I like to actually choose a partner before having sex, is that so old-fashioned? Apparently so, according to Secretia and Chester, who have made quite the name for themselves, as most people who attend these catered orgies aren’t nearly as famous as is the beautiful couple.

Either way, it’s a precarious love sitch that’s just bound to pop—and how. What else do you expect when you pick your partner like he’s a piece of popcorn?

And there’s more about “Secretia” and “Chester” here.

Eva Longoria Tony Parker

Today Casablanca, perhaps not coincidentally, updated his Blind Vice blind item feature with a new entry on “Secretia” and “Chester”.

The latest:

As we told you a while ago, Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off were developing a couple of cracks in their very liberal (and licentious) love agreement. And we’re not just talking random butt crack, babes.

Nope, Secretia was becoming a bit careless in her private hookups, even though the two had agreed to have an open relationship—which often included swinging orgy sex. How psychedelic ’60s, love it! However, Chester was not at all pleased with his gal’s borderline-public liaisons with other men, so he decided to…

Start being indiscrete himself!

And handsome Chester (who, if you ask us, isn’t quite the hunk-muffin so many folks say he is, but whatever) did his sex-hungry honey one better: He started getting emotionally attached to his sex partners. Going out, having lunch and dinner, you know, hanging.

OMG, the nerve Chester had to not just have sex with these women! And anything that went beyond the bedroom, Secretia had warned, would always be considered the ultimate no-no numero uno.

People are such idiots, really. Do they think multiple orgasms with multiple partners isn’t going to eventually lead to some kind of psychological—if not affectionate—connection between the players? Dumb, dumb, dumb.

But Chester was pretty dumb himself when he thought Secretia would just lie back and take his one-upmanship. Hardly this bitch’s style.

So Ms. Ohio is currently deciding her options. Does she dump Chester and demand a bigass piece of his financial pie in the process—and risk exposing her own sexual goings-on in the process? Or does she stay with Chester and make the best of it?

But plan C, which involves only Chester being hung out to dry—for an agreed-upon monetary arrangement between the two cheaters, of course—would probably be far more likely.

And then there’s the comments.

Tony Parker and Richard Jefferson

Okay guys, can we please get back to basketball now?