In our last episode, Pepe the Witch, a sorcerer from the Málaga Province in Spain, announced that he had placed a voodoo curse in Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo that was responsible for the soccer star’s recent ankle injury. But why would Pepe do such a thing? He’s always been a benevolent witch, using his powers mostly for good; except occasionally getting women’s dresses to fly up as they walk by.

Someone paid him to do it, said Pepe. And that someone? Paris Hilton, Cristiano’s “jilted lover” who — according to Pepe — took a voodoo doll of Ronaldo and “stabbed him in the spine.” Results, presumably, above.

But there’s more to this tale; apparently Pepe’s curse went much deeper than a foot injury. And sadly, it affects us all. The horrifying result of the voodoo curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, following the jump.

Yes, Cristiano Ronaldo sings. Very appropriate for Halloween.

How’s that for a dose of reality?

You think our banks are in trouble? Ronaldo recorded two tracks — this, and a Barry White song — for a television commercial for BES, a Portuguese bank.

As for the original curse, Robin Bairner of GOAL.COM has more details.

Pepe revealed to Spanish publication AS on October 22 that he was behind the injury that ‘CR9’ is currently attempting to battle, but he would not reveal who asked him to cast a hex upon Ronaldo’s head, stating only that the woman was a “jilted lover”, “non-European” and “a very wealthy heiress form a well-known family”.

All the signs pointed toward Ms. Hilton, and she has confirmed the suspicions of many to Life & Style magazine.

“I can’t stand it when someone is mean,” she complained to the weekly celebrity gossip publication. “I want a man anyway, not someone who runs about like a little girl. He’s a wimp!”

Well, I’m exhausted. Time for a nice David Beckham CD and a soak in the hot tub.