Yes, we know, the new American Gladiators blew, but we did watch the show because our drinking buddy friend Jeff Keller was one of the contestants. And bless his soul, he was behind the one and only entertaining segment of the show:

Sadly, Jeff lost to someone who called himself “Spider Monkey”, so he’s inside for awhile (we kid).

The funniest part of the show was when the painfully overscripted Hulk Hogan laid out the rules at the beginning, and revealed that the winning contestant of the first season would be a gladiator for the second season. While we seriously doubt there will be a second season, we’d do anything to see a “Spider Monkey” character on the show. Sure beats the lardass broads they brought in for this new edition. And “Malibu“:

(Where Have You Gone, Mike Adamle?)