When the LA Galaxy visited Hawaiʻi in February for the Fantasyland “Pan-Pacific Championship”/David Beckham World Tour, Beckham made a gracious gesture after the Febuary 22nd match. Instead of handing his jersey to a Gamba Osaka player, he jogged to the crowd, pointed at a boy, and tossed him his jersey. Look, how sweet!

But wait, what’s this? A tussle has broken out over the jersey! Which of these two boys - best friends for years - did Beckham throw the jersey to? Who will let go first? Who will win?

(MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!)

Look at the eyes on those kids. That’s “Lord of the Flies” right there. Don’t turn your back, Piggy. You’re goin’ down and you’re goin’ down hard.

Even in a non-contiguous United State, you know how this ends: with lawyers.

They’ve tried to sort this out, of course. The kid that has the jersey now has been bribed with another jersey supposedly signed by Beckham, but no go (“the signature looked forged”). The parents for either kid could back down, but how could they deny their little darling the scrap of cloth they so richly deserve?

Beckham’s publicist wouldn’t comment, but we we wish the kids were fighting over our jersey instead of Beckham’s so we could demand it back:

“You have 48 hours to sort this out or I’m sending Dog the Bounty Hunter for my jersey back. My jersey should only go to big boys who know how to share. That goes for your parents, too. And if you don’t think I have any right to the jersey since I threw it away, let me tell you: I am immensely rich. My lawyers have chunks of lawyers like yours in their stool.

“Oh, and thanks for being big fans of Tuffy. Stay in school, kids!”