OK, Scoop Jackson Has Officially Lost His Mind

On the list of things I think about on a regular basis, “What if Brett Favre were a woman?” is not in the top … well heck, it’s not on the list at all. But Scoop Jackson, he’s got another list entirely. In a development which will make you long for the good old days when this site featured a ban on all Favre mentions, we have this: Scoop’s latest ESPN Page 2 column. Warning: It’s about four different kinds of crazy.

The column begins: “If he were a woman …” and it only gets stranger from there. I’m pretty sure I know the point Scoop is trying to make: If a woman took this long to make up her mind, boy, she’d never get away with that! But the problem is, that notion is barely interesting enough to support one sentence, let alone an entire column.

And an entire column on ESPN’s Page 2, which is supposed to feature insightful, humorous topics, such as comparing the Boston Celtics to Hitler. Well, this is funny, although not in the spots I suspect Scoop intended.

The column is here. Excerpts below.

If he were a woman, he wouldn’t be able to get away with this and still be respected, because this is not the behavior of respectable ladies. Bouncing around from man to man — excuse me, team to team. They have names for women like that.

So I ask: If Brett Favre were a woman … would you date her?

Well, can this new Brett Favre cook? And what’s the bedroom situation?

He’s high-maintenance in its highest form. He’s a high-priced call guy. Julia Roberts played that role and became a star.

Whoa. I think that answers my second question.

But in Favre, you wouldn’t find any of the things you’d look for in a serious relationship. Not the redeeming social qualities. Not the respect for others (or the game). Not the “I’ma introduce you to my moms and keep you away from my friends” type of stuff.

So the new female Favre is black? What white girl says “Ima introduce you to my moms”? This is more confusing than “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” What are the rules?

We’ve all played a role. The NFL has allowed it because it allowed him to play the game (and play the league) by his own rules. We the media have allowed it because we’ve never overwhelmingly called him out for putting himself above the game.

Remember Meryl Streep’s character, Miranda Priestly? That’s him. The devil wears purple.

If you know me, then you know that I won’t continue reading a sports column after the first Meryl Streep reference. But you feel free to continue. I must take issue, though, with Scoop’s claim that the media has failed to overwhelmingly take issue with Favre’s indecisiveness. Hey, columns are hard — we all reach from time to time. But at least make valid points?

Spoiler: Also mentioned is Aphrodite.