Getting access to NFL players Super Bowl week in Miami will be an issue for everyone associated with the game except one guy.

(Keeping Miami’s industrial carpet-steaming biz alive since 1981)

The MIAMI NEW TIMES introduces us to Ricky “Disco Rick” Taylor, the “stripper-wrangler at the colossal King of Diamonds club in Miami Gardens, which caters to pro athletes and rappers.”

King of Diamonds is the Wal-Mart of strip clubs, with 12 skybox suites, 41 ultra VIP rooms, a men’s barber shop, a basketball court, an auto detailing service and something called the Miami’s Bad Girlz Boutique. (Wait, then where can I pawn my wedding ring and cash my tax refund?)

Taylor sets the scene:

This is the biggest weekend in strip club history in South Florida.

That could lead to us having a Pacman Jones situation. On any given night during the Super Bowl Weekend, there could be 200 pro football players here. And most of them have wives or girlfriends at home.
We expect 400 to 500 girls per night during the Super Bowl Weekend, coming from all over the country. Our regular roster is 80. Mo’ girls, mo’ problems.

Half of the National Football League lives in Miami. All of the Miami players are going to want to show their teammates, “This is how we do in Miami.” Santana Moss, Reggie Wayne, Andre Johnson, Sinorice Moss, Chad Ochocinco. And after the Super Bowl Weekend, everybody’s off for six months. This is the last day of school.

I’m sure those well-heeled gentlemen appreciate the recognition. One name though that won’t make the list this year? Donte Stallworth. This year’s attendees though can thank Stallworth for the club’s shiny new fleet of golf carts.

Donte Stallworth changed everything. We’re asking that all celebrities and athletes take a cab to the club. We will pick you up in a nice golf cart and take you to the front door.

I’m myself mulling Miami, but I can affirm that the King of Diamonds club that week will not only be the last place in Miami I’ll be, but the last place in the lower 48.

That said, if you plan to RSVP, Taylor has some handy pro tips for you:

The number one rule is do not come to the strip club if your baby mama’s dancing. That never ends well. We’re gonna throw you out and her out. (n/a Lesley Visser.)

We don’t want to put anything in the free buffet that everybody really wants. That’s what the menus for. So, no shrimp. (Sorry Rex.)

We’re the guards of the prison, and the strippers are the prisoners. (Mike Vick’s home away from home.)

Our making it rain policy is this: If you’re a customer and money falls on your head, just throw it to the ground. Or, to be courteous, throw it towards the dancers. If you put it in your pocket, I’ll cut the music. (Nice of him to throw that in for the print media.)