Ochocinco Shouldn’t Be Challenging Andre Berto

One of the downsides of Twitter is that it has provided unfettered access to athletes and their most immediate thoughts, the ones that colleges and pro franchises spend years coaching them not to repeat publicly in order to avoid embarrassment. So you’ve got to think there’s nothing worse for the Cincinnati Bengals’ front office than Chad Ochocinco finding Twitter and overindulging his boastlust as he has over the past few months.

Ochocinco Andre Berto
(How could this possibly go wrong?)

It’s not a very big leap in logic to think that his ability to basically communicate with everybody and have his every word hung upon is bleeding over into Ochocinco’s statements away from the keyboard. To wit, his latest statement that he could knock out welterweight champion Andre Berto. Did Berto laugh it off? Oh, no. Lord, no, no he did not.

As DEADSPIN reports, Berto dished back a flaming deathsalvo of trash talk that, frankly, would and should make Ocho proud if he weren’t getting slapped around:

 ”I’m here to say that when his season is over, which should be before the playoffs start, I’ll give him the beating of his life and show him the difference between kicking footballs and getting your ass kicked. By the time I’m done with him, he’ll want to change his last name to No Mas!”

Boom. goes. the dynamite.

I always felt like “beating of a lifetime” was an underused phrase, especially in the context of comedic exaggeration. In fact, I was going to put it in the headline until I actually read the quote. But back to the term itself: Will Ferrell used in one of those “get off the shed” SNL skits back in the day, but that’s about it.

Even given the massive weight difference - Deadspin’s putting it over 40 pounds, and we’re inclined to trust both guys’ listed weights - Berto would beat the living bejeezus out of Ocho. Sure, Ocho showed reporters footage of him sparring after making that comment about Berto. That only means the beating would take 45 seconds to commence instead of 10.

Seriously, it’s not in Ochocinco’s best interests to continue issuing challenges and threats, even if they’re in jest. Berto makes his living by rearranging other men’s faces with his fists, Ocho. He’s the best in the world at his weight class. Do not fight him, sir. Not unless you want us all to be deliriously entertained by your uncontrollable facebleeding.