Now Showing In Your Brain: Woody Hayes, Naked

There are many ways for a coach to deal with a tough loss. Most involve profanity, raised voices, and a hair-trigger temper, ready to unload a fusillade of invective at that miserable fat piece of f*cksh*t who missed on that block in the third quarter and let the defensive end decapitate the star QB. That’s usually how a loss goes. But longtime Ohio State coach and opponent-puncher Woody Hayes had his own way of dealing with the stress of a loss: conducting post-game interviews naked.

Woody Hayes
(OSU wins, and the pants stay on… for now.)

These guys approve, Woody.

That got us to wondering, though: Seeing Woody Hayes give an interview while buck naked would be repulsive. But it could probably get worse, yes? Of course it could; Hayes is hardly the worst-physiqued man in college football history. So after the break, we present the 5 worst coaches to see naked in college football today. Buckle up, bulimics; today’s your lucky day.

5. Bobby Bowden, FSU - Bowden’s longetivity is something to be celebrated, a rarity in college football today. That is not a euphemism; I’m talking about his career. Pervert. Even as far more misshapen coaches around him have fallen from the college game (Barry Alvarez, Phil Fulmer, that one giant dude at Toledo), Bowden has soldiered on as gravity and aging have taken their toll on his body. Now anymore, Bowden’s “Little Tallahassee” is old and deformed, sort of the way a college wrestler’s ear gets. Seeing it wrecked former FSU QBs Drew Weatherford’s and Chris Rix’s careers; pray your retinas and psyches remain unscorched.

4. Les Miles, LSU - You wouldn’t expect a guy like Miles to be on this list; as ages and physiques go, Miles is pretty much par for the course among his contemporaries. But after going 5-for-5 in 4th down conversions in a Florida win in 2007, Miles is synonymous with one part of human anatomy: balls. To that end, Miles purchased five extra-large Neuticles and had them surgically installed alongside his regular pair. His scrotum now resembles a hairy raspberry, a sight you cannot unsee.

Raspberry
(/whistling innocently)

3. Mark Mangino, Kansas - Now we’re into the heavy hitters. Legend has it that Mangino’s front butt is so hairy and pronounced, he once drew nipples on his back and covered his face, then challenged his players to figure out which side is his front and which is his back. His players responded by dying. Marky M would be higher on the list, but since it takes a forklift to get a glimpse of his “Baby Mangino,” this Kansas coach is stuck with the bronze medal.

2. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame - Weis puts the “morbid” into “morbidly obese.” He was #3 on this list last season, but a pair of severe knee injuries have left the once-nimble Weis immobile. So while he can no longer perform his life-altering naked cartwheels, Weis can still show off the Fromunda Cheesecake Factory by dropping the Sansabelts and executing some of the least athletic somersaults you’ve ever seen. He does this because he hates talking about losing almost as much as he hates losing, and he’s been doing a lot of losing over the past couple years. It doesn’t accomplish much, of course, but misery loves company. Oh, and he named his butthole “Misery.”

1. Joe Paterno, Penn State - You steeled yourself for so long, watching this 90-year-old, nude he-goblin amble gamely around the locker room. A surgical scar runs up his withered hip, every hair on his body is bright white, and his nipples have turned green. It’s the most grotesque thing in the world, you think. Still, your lunch has stayed down, largely because you are too awestruck to be nauseated. Then JoePa stops mid-sentence and a look of serenity washes over his face. Confused, you hear a strange bubbling sound, only to realize that JoePa is in fact filling his colostomy bag.

Have a great weekend, everybody!