Now Put George Washington’s Hair in Your Spokes

The top two trading card companies have lost their ever-flippin’ minds.  They’ve finally moved up from the history-gutting desecration of Babe Ruth jerseys and bats of baseball’s best and just started slapping anything vaguely historical and creepy into a wax paper pack and calling it “collectible”, like George Washington’s hair.

Smell my hair!

You may find it shameful and ridiculous to chop up pieces of human history and jam them into the hands of OCD adults (because, c’mon, only the 10-year-old Alex P. Keaton’s trying to collect the whole Ronald Reagan set). You would be correct.  We don’t send kids home from a natural history museum field trip with chunks o’Cleopatra for a reason.

If we are so blessed to have one of these little cardboard-backed blasphemy artifacts fall into our laps, we will only have one choice: we’re clonin’ us some Presidents.  We’re makin’ about 10,000 zombie clone Washingtons and marching down to the Topps front office and we’re crossin’ their Delaware, if you catch our Valley Forge snow drift.

Then we’re carving up the zombie Washingtons and selling them in blister packs.  Hey, a mad scientist’s gotta eat.

(Aside: could you even resell these on eBay if you wanted to speculate on this market?  It’s got human parts in it, which seems to be against the Terms of Service.  Do we have a black market in historic DNA growing in the backs of comic book stores across this nation?  Film at 11.)