Now Even Swimming Is Bad For Your Kids’ Health

A brief indulgence, if you please; we always wanted to be one of those irritating local news anchors who casually engage in blatant scare tactics and litter puns into their stories for no reason. Okay, here we go: Are swimming pools the greatest scourge to children’s safety in the history of the world? Swimming enthusiasts say that’s nonsense, but some experts agree that new data suggest swimming may leave you out to dry.

Black People in a Pool
(Also, heaven forbid if black kids come to your pool, right, Valley Swim Club?)

Oooh, that was good, right? Because you’re scared of the swimming pool - but you’re not sure why yet - and at the same time, you’re not scared of us, because we’re cool enough to crack wise while we deliver the bad news. Nice. Now we see why people get into the daily news business.

But we digress; back to the original point, some Europeans think going to swimming pools might significantly hamper your ability to breathe. Per the CBC, the danger lies when you mix chlorine and children’s lungs, which if you think of it that way, already sounds like a horrible idea before you hear a single detail:

In Monday’s online issue of the journal Pediatrics, researchers found teenagers who spent more than 1,000 hours swimming in chlorinated pools showed more than eight times the risk of having asthma as teens who mainly swam in pools disinfected with another method.

“This is an important factor, which might explain the epidemic of the disease in countries like Canada … where you have a lot of swimming pools, indoors or outdoors,” said the study’s lead researcher, Alfred Bernard, a toxicology professor at Catholic University of Louvain in Brussels.

Teens with the most exposure to chlorine had two to three times greater risk of allergic rhinitis and three to six times greater risk of hay fever, the team found, compared with those with the least exposure, after taking other risk factors such as exposure to tobacco smoke, allergens and parents’ education levels into account.

Between the respiratory distress, their obvious aforementioned ability to magnetically lure the dangerous blacks, and that pesky statistic in Freakonomics postulating that pools were effectively 100 times more lethal than handguns, it’s safe to say that the swimming industry has seen better days.

With that in mind, they’re expected to ask Washington for $437 trillion in bailout funds; politicians will express concern for 15 seconds before dutifully handing the money over.