Red American flag caps on Memorial Day. Camoflauge print. Black logo, black background. And, of course, bright pink. No piece of sportswear has seen more permutations solely for marketing reasons than the simple baseball cap. And no team’s merchandise has come under more fire than the Boston Red Sox, when it comes to fans wearing them for fashion purposes rather than actually knowing anything about the team.

Before today, I would have said that’s not fair; every team has alternate caps for sale, and selling them — or wearing them — doesn’t devalue the brand, or the fan base. That was before today, before I stumbled across the pink, watermelon scratch-and-sniff Red Sox hat.

Under normal circumstances I rarely advocate the brutal beating of women and children. These are not normal circumstances.

Poking around MLB’s shop, I found 25 separate women’s Red Sox caps, ranging from a pink “B” on a camo background visor, to a pseudo-Burberry print knit cap. But none of them carry the stigma that this one ought to.

It’s bright pink, with a lime green “B,” which in itself would have killed Mr. Blackwell all over again. But what put this one over the top are the embroidered watermelons all over, including one on the bill of the cap that, when scratched, releases a delightful watermelon scent.

Boston fans get defensive when you bring up the bandwagon, the official uniform of which is a Red Sox cap in some obscenely bright color that wasn’t for sale before 2004. Well, real Sox diehards, if you ever see anyone wearing this, you’ve lost all rights to defend your fellow “fans.”

[Update]: The mark of a true Red Sox fan, via BARSTOOL SPORTS: