No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No

Just a quick word of advice: skip this post. No, really, skip it. It’s about people doing things with body parts and… well, it’s not so much a body part as a body by-product. And no, not poop. Or pee. I’d rather write about someone like Juan Manuel Marquez drinking his own urine. Honestly, that’s more appetizing. If you read ahead and are thoroughly disgusted, it is your own fault. We warned you.

Robin van Persie
(He’s not clutching it in pain, he’s making sure nothing disgusting gets rubbed onto it.)

A couple days ago, Arsenal lost striker Robin van Persie to a nasty sprain in a friendly between the Netherlands and Denmark. See, it’s ironic because getting your ankle exploded isn’t friendly at all. Anyway. Now comes the healing process, and while that’s expected to take 4-6 weeks, van Persie’s wanting to get back sooner. So he’s pursuing “alternative treatments,” which probably just means he’s getting some acupuncture and–wait, what? Oh sweet Jesus, that’s not it at all, there’s afterbirth involved. Oh God no.


After a chat with PSV/Holland buddy Dante Lazovic, it appears the fleet-footed striker has been inspired to try the same methods that helped his friend come back from injury:

“I will fly to the Balkans to meet with a female doctor who helped Lazovic. She is vague about her methods but I know she massages you using fluid from a placenta. I’m going to try. It cannot hurt and if it helps, it helps. I’ve been in contact with Arsenal physiotherapists and they have let me do it.”

Yes, somebody has convinced him to rub a uterine wall all over his injured ankle to help it recover. The odds of this having any real medical benefit, of course, are precisely dick - which is probably why the “therapist” was so vague in her “methods.” Where does she even get the placentas? Doesn’t it seem weird that you have to travel to a substantially poorer country in order to get a type of medical therapy? Aren’t alarms going off like crazy here?

What an absolutely disgusting and unacceptable use of living tissue. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to eat singed cow muscles and fried chicken embryos. And Zima.