NFLer Kills Audience, Own Team With Comedy Act

Houston Texans wide receiver David Anderson recently performed a standup comedy routine at a party for the local MLS soccer team, the Houston Dynamo.

David Anderson Houston Texans Standup Comedy Video

Anderson’s stage act was, incredibly, actually intentionally funny. The jokes were chuckleworthy and almost as amusing as the crowd reaction to some of the wildly insulting comments Anderson made about the Dynamo and his own team, the Texans.

If you’re easily offended, for the love of god, don’t watch the video or read the transcript. I have absolutely no problem with Anderson’s performance and credit him for having the huevos to provide us all some quality, adult, entertainment.

Video is below along with a transcription of some of the highlights.


Anderson on his Texans teammate Owen Daniels:

He’s a young, single man. As far as I know, disease-free.

Every time I go out with Daniels, everyone wants to come up and talk about fantasy football. Fantasy this, fantasy that.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love football. But I don’t fantasize about football.

If I have a fantasy, I need like … tissue paper … high speed internet and 2 1/2 minutes to myself at night.

Or 10 minutes in the afternoon if I got nothing to do. That’s MY fantasy.

If Owen Daniels is the Jenna Jameson of fantasy football, what does that make me?

I’m like the amateur girl on page 12 that no one wants to see….

That’s a masturbation joke for all you old people out there.

Anderson lamenting the constant advertising by the University of Phoenix and the embarrassment of attending the school:

I have never in my entire life met anyone who goes to the University of f—ing Phoenix.

Have you?

They need to switch their advertising slogan: “The University of Phoenix … NO ONE HAS TO KNOW”

Anderson on his brother and women:

My brother taught me some ways. He’s a “Jedi” as I like to call him.

This is going to be a little dirty … so bear with me. … The ways of the Jedi is that you never put the [female sex organ] on the pedestal.

My brother taught me right away that you gotta put the  [female sex organ] right here in high school … (Anderson holds out arm) … at shoulder level.

Then what I got to college and played college football, the [female sex organ] was right here … (Anderson holds out arm at waist level) … at swinging level, nice and easy.

But now that I’m in the NFL … (Anderson drops water bottle and looks down) … the [female sex organ] is at sea level.

You’re just kinda walking along and (Anderson leans over and points) see something on the ground and say, “ooo, that’s shiny, I think I’ll pick that one up (picks up bottle) … oooo, and look at this … (picks up bottle again and tucks it into his shirt).”

But the Houston Dynamo (MLS team) still has their  [female sex organ] way up on a pedestal … (Anderson looks up and jumps, pretending to try to grab something) … (crowd starts to boo) … oh it’s alright, I love the Dynamo.

Last one, on the Houston Texans:

You know what team I feel like I play for sometimes?

What’s the name of that team that plays the (Harlem) Globetrotters?

The Generals? We’re like the damn Houston Generals.

The fans see us (Texans) coming out of the tunnel and they’re like … (Anderson starts walking in place while humming Globetrotters theme “Sweet Georgia Brown”) … here comes them sorry-ass Texans everybody!

When the audience playfully booed the joke, Anderson shot back:

Why are you booing me, that’s my own team I can make fun of myself!

Anderson then pointed to an audience member who was booing him

What do you play? Are you an accountant? What do you do?

So you’re booing me … I don’t come to your job and boo you when you don’t turn in your TPS report on time. (audience laughs)

That last “TPS” line from Anderson came from the cult hit movie Office Space. (And obviously flew over the audience’s heads.)

Before making any judgements on how Anderson was received, watch the video. He had the crowd in the palm of his hand and was a hit.

If Anderson was an NFL superstar with a lot of endorsements, think he could get away with that? Of course not.