NFL TD Celebrations Ain’t Got Nuthin’ On Soccer

Not to pile on the nation’s supply of decrepit old, white, obsolete sports columnists, but it’s been at turns annoying and amusing to read them get all bent out of shape whenever an athlete acts anything other than perfectly demure and respectful of everyone. The NFL has responded to such suburban outrage by basically banning all forms of personal expressions, from touchdown celebrations to social media usage.

But other countries? Yeah, other countries don’t have hundreds of years of insane Puritan morality to deal with. In fact, over in staid ol’ Europe, their sports stars still know how to celebrate. With blow, you ask? Yes, with blow. But that’s not all.

Soccer players, for all their floppiness and preening, know how to put on a good goal celebration; between the jersey-ripping and the running and the jumping and the whatnot, they make Chad Ochocinco look like Roger Goodell. The DAILY MAIL, in their pageview-whoring wisdom, has put together a list of what they call the most SHOCKING goal celebrations of all time. And you know what? They’re mostly pretty damn good. The best?

Robbie Fowler

In 1999, striker Robbie Fowler celebrated his goal against Liverpool’s Merseyside rivals, Everton, by using the white line of the penalty area to simulate snorting a line of cocaine.

Just imagine if an NFL player ever tried anything similar. Soccer players, we salu–wait, what’s this one?

Soccer Shorts

Stephen Ireland was reminded of his responsibilities to the game by the FA after his bizarre goal celebration at Eastlands in November, 2007. Ireland scored City’s second-half winner in a 1-0 victory over Sunderland and then pulled down his shorts to reveal a pair of pants bearing the Superman logo.

Oy. Soccer, we try to sing your praises, and then you go and do that. NFL, we’ll never be able to quit you.