NFL Morality Police Wage War Against Bare Skin

Anyone who went to a conservative religious school growing up probably remembers the gusto with which teachers and administrators enforced school dress codes. Not paying attention in class? Who cares. Bullying freshmen in the hallway? No problem.  But heaven forbid a student show up to class with an uncollared shirt or too-short skirt - those were the real dangers facing the youth of America! Instant demerits!

Eric Wright short shorts

It’s kinda like the NFL. If you’re an NFL player, your job is to put your body in as much peril as possible to emerge victorious from one of the most brutal and vicious sports in this country. Players are accused of domestic violence with alarming regularity. Some players have killed other people, others have been implicated in murders. And yet they play on. But wear your shorts too far above the knee? That’ll be $5,000, you immoral hell-bound heathen.

Despite many examples to the contrary, the NFL apparently has a little-known-or-cared-about rule that all game pants must cover the “knee area.” Exposure of sexy, sexy knee skin will result in the NFL’s ruler-wielding nuns lowering the hammer of swift justice. That’s what happened to Cleveland Browns defensive back Eric Wright this past weekend. Glory be to Twitter, where Wright went to voice his displeasure (via the aptly-named Cleveland sports blog WAITING FOR NEXT YEAR) before, of course, deleting the offending post lest the hammer of injustice fall even harder:

Eric Wright Twitter

First of all, I can’t decide whether it would be awesome or depressing to have a job that consisted of spending Sundays watching football only with the goal of levying sartorially-related fines on unsuspecting football players who are oh, I don’t know, too busy playing football to pay attention to their hemlines. Secondly, isn’t it the team’s responsibility to make sure their shorts are sufficiently long? Can’t they let out the spandex a little to cover the knee? What about players with abnormally long femurs? Someone notify the ACLU - we’ve got a discrimination on our hands. Stop discriminating against the long-legged!