NFL Commish Goodell Gets A Special New Advisor

Scene: a lavish, stately office. Pictures of old players and other assorted football memorabilia adorn the walls and shelves. A sharply-dressed man sits at a chair near his desk, smiling.

Man: Hello, folks. Welcome to my office. I’m NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, and I’d like to help you see what goes on in my day to day operations. I get a bad rap as a disciplinarian sometimes, but I don’t want some caricature to be the only side of myself that people get to see. So let me take you on a tour of my day to day business.

Roger Goodell in chair
(”This microphone? Pay it no mind. This is all normal.”)

As you’ll see, this is my office, and–ah! Here’s my favorite picture. This is Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch. One of the league’s very first superstars. Heck of a guy, too. (The phone rings.) Ah, my first phone call of the day. I’m sure it’s nothing; most of my calls actually are. Let me scoop that up. Yes, this is Mr. Goodell. Oh, hello. Yes, I’m just filming a documentary about a usual day, so I’m free for visitors. Okay, send him on in. Wait, Secretary, I forgot to ask–Secretary? Hello? I guess she hung up. Oh well, no matter. Let’s keep going.

Say, do you hear something rumbling?

John Madden Wall

John Madden: BOOM! HEH HEH HEH! I’manewspecialadvisorforyou, Roger Goodman, and ifuhh, I’m here to get started okay let’s go on three hut one hut two three boom. EH HEH HEH HEH!

Goodell: EXCUSE ME! Would you mind cleaning up that wall, please? We just had it installed and our janitors just vacuumed the floors an hour ago and what do you mean, here to get started?

Madden: It says right here boss. BOOM!

John Madden is back in the NFL as an unpaid “special adviser” to commissioner Roger Goodell.

The league announced Thursday that Madden, who retired as a broadcaster earlier this year, would advise Goodell on “matters pertaining to the game, including competitive issues, coaching and personnel development, technological innovations, player safety, and the Pro Football Hall of Fame.”

“When I retired from broadcasting, I didn’t retire from my passion and interest in the game,” Madden said in a statement. “This position enables me to continue that.”

Goodell: What? I… I didn’t authorize this! Someone’s going to be suspended! Suspended, I tell you!

Madden: Says ‘ere you did.

Goodell: I’m telling you that I didn’t!

Madden: Says ‘ere you did.

Goodell: Look! I am the commissioner of the biggest sport in America! I am literally more important than the President! What could you possibly do to help me at my job?

Madden: I canhelpsplain things to-uh, to-to-to, to-uh, to you, Commish. I know I EH HEH HEH don’t talk too good on account of I’m old, but I’m pretty good with the telestrator.

Goodell: You’re just drawing penises on the field.

Madden: If uh, if a football’s on the field, and the kicker’s not uh, the time on the football clock isn’t gonna, if uh…

Meanwhile, in a dimly lit lair thousands of miles away…

Henchman: Sir, are you sure you’re going to be able to carry out your evil plan? Surely the commissioner won’t let you give away a pick for Robert Seymour!

Al Davis: Patiencccccce, henchman… hisssssss… I’ve dispatched an “old friend” to take care of Goodell… Take care of him indeeeeed… now, go tell Subcommandant Cable that I’ve ordered Jamarcus Russell to not wear a helmet or pads on the field. He will be more mobile this way.

Henchman: Yes, sir!

Davis: Hissssssss….