That Pittsburgh Super Bowl parade seems like it went off without a hitch, doesn’t it? The PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE even said so: “There were only a few incidents of disorderly behavior reported and officers handled those without making any arrests.” That would be an unmitigated success, right? Enough fans to fill Heinz Field almost six times over, and nobody got arrested? Oh, funny thing about that, you see … that’s just because they haven’t caught that bank robbing Steeler fan yet.
At a bank on Smithfield Avenue, just a block away from the parade route, a man in Pittsburgh gear held up a Huntington Bank early Tuesday afternoon. He didn’t brandish a firearm, but he did have a note that said “I am not joking, give me all of your money; I have a gun.” Should he be brought to trial, he’s probably going to have a rude surprise as to what language like that entails (hint: it rhymes with “Blarmed Wobbery”). Unfortunately for our criminal mastermind, the heist didn’t go quite as well as his favorite team’s playoff run:
The teller gave the suspect cash in which a dye pack was housed. The suspect exited through the Smithfield Street doors and walked toward Liberty Avenue where the dye pack burst.
Dawwww. Tough break there, guy. He dumped all the money from his pockets, and police were able to recover all of it, so now the guy’s back to where he started… and that rocking Steelers jacket’s probably ruined! But wait, what color was the dye?
[The] dye pack exploded, covering the stolen money and the robber with, symbolically enough, red dye — the color of the defeated Arizona Cardinals.
SON OF A BITCH! Police are asking for help identifying this regular Norman Einstein, so if you know some young-ish white guy with short hair, glasses… a Steelers fan… wait a second, guys, where was Christmas Ape yesterday? Is it bad blog etiquette to turn him in? Yes? Okay, never mind, definitely wasn’t him.