As everyone knows, the Yankees’ new Death Star is opening its doors in April. And just how evilly awesome will the place be? From the sounds of the tour given to NEW YORK POST gossip diva Cindy Adams, it’s pretty freakin’ incredible.
Adams speaks of huge offices and locker rooms, urinals made of blue granite, heated and air conditioned dugouts, special hooks in the lockers just for hanging socks, and a super-secret locker room where players can go hide from the media (otherwise known as A-Rod’s office).
I guess, for $1.5 billion, the place better be nice:
Alongside’s a hydrotherapy blue- and white-tiled area with whirlpools and a Swimex thing wherein the current moves but you don’t and it’s as if you’ve swum 15 laps. Plus a trainers room for massages, rubdowns, X-rays, specialists, first aid and God knows. Plus a doctor’s office. Signs signifying each room are in Yankee pinstripes. Plus, to duck the dreaded press, a hidden super-private dressing room with giant wall mirror and 12 luxury closets. Plus a wall-to-wall mirrored gym (no equipment in it yet) so elegant it looks like a dance studio. Thoughts of Hideki Matsui at a ballet barre ran through my head.
The players’ 30,000 square feet just for themselves includes a dining suite. Two rooms. One with the handmade Yankee logo rug has couches for lounging, sipping, noshing and TVing. The other, with chafing dishes plus wherewithal to prep individual menus, is a catering hall. I mean, talk of catering!
If you can get past Adams’ typical nonsensical wanking and actually understand what she’s saying, the whole place sounds like something Saddam Hussein would’ve built for himself in the mid-’80s. Steinbrenner’s office is 6,000 square feet in and of itself. But, lest you think all of the goodies are reserved for the players and staff, think again:
The Legend seats, with real teak armrests, have everything but Yogi Berra personally on your lap. Order from a menu, and there’s your private dining room with burled wood doors, ultra-suede walls, blue and white Italian marble bars, matching rugs. Special lower-level exits open onto your seats. Also a grab-’n'-go dugout bar where, with pix of DiMaggio and his teammates, you feel you’re actually in a bygone era dugout. And circling the upper tiers? A red- and green-striped electric zipper flashes happy-looking dancing Premio sausages.
There’s going to be so much luxury oozing from every corner of the stadium, you’ll forget that you paid $350 to get in.
Now, if they could just work on getting leather seats, LCD screens, and a 30,000 square-foot waiting room for the D Train, that would be nice.