Never Ask Ballplayers for Fantasy Football Advice

Why does any sportswriter ever ask any ballplayer for their opinion on what their team should do to go to some mythical next level or stop drowning in the current one?  (We mean, other than the easily-produced quote and/or controversy to fill inches and minutes.)  What gives sportswriters the impression that ballplayers know any more about front office skills than we do?

Fantasy football trophy?

(We imagine Curt Schilling had this made for one of his fantasy football trophies)

For example, the NEW YORK TIMES checks in on the most exciting time of the year for many baseball players.  No, not the pennant races.  Not September callups, offering more people to carry their bags for them while dressed in drag.  (Though that one’s kinda cool.  We won’t lie.)

No, it’s time for fantasy football drafts, where you can get in on pools with Scot Shields (also known as “Easy Money”).

Why is he now known as “Mr. Sucker Bet” in the Tuffy household?

Shields produced a stack of fantasy football magazines, kept in a pile under the uniform pants in his locker. If only they had warned him not to trade Terrell Owens, Adrian Peterson and Ryan Grant last season.

“I’m changing up my strategy this year,” said Shields, who will host the Angels’ draft at his off-season home near Detroit. “I’m not going to make any trades.”

Forget for a moment that he lurches between trading strategies with the fear and petulance of a seven-year-old packing baseball cards. Forget that he couldn’t see the potential in Adrian Peterson when even the Dalai Lama picked him in the third round in his own draft last year.  He makes his offseason home in Detroit.  DETROIT.

Scot, here’s how it works: “Scott” has two Ts in it.  Also, people have winter homes in the south and summer homes in the north.  This isn’t Peru.

Finally, stop reading the fantasy magazines unless they’re edited by Isaac Asimov.  Everyone has the same sleeper, everyone has the same #1, and everyone can outwit you before you can say “Rec-Specs”.  Just give people your cash, let them drink your booze, and watch the US Open.

Still, you have to support any team-building exercise in any clubhouse that leads to trading LT to Terry Francona for almost nothing, leading to this quote:

“It was O.K.,” (Johnny) Damon said with a laugh. “We all wanted to beat (Curt) Schilling.”

Us, too.  Can we borrow your bat?

Leave a Reply