Nerf Guns Make Me Want To Play With Nerf Again

Okay, it’s debatable whether Nerf guns qualify as “sport,” per se, but we think we can safely tuck it into the rarely-used “Hunting & Fishing” section. No, you’re not going to take out a 12-point buck with these things, but why hunt deer when you can hunt the most dangerous game of all: man?

Nerf N-Strike Deathbringers
(Good lord, those actually look lethal.)

Those are the next generation of Nerf guns, apparently, and as fully grown adults who last picked up a Nerf toy more than half our life ago, we can confidently say that these things look incredible. Where were these when we were kids? Oh, right, they were in the future, and we just found them, baby. GAME ON.

From THE BACHELOR GUY, the stats on these make us think they’re little but prototypes for actual killing weapons:

Take the N-Strike Raider Rapid Fire CS 35 blaster. (Up there on the right.) It’ll launch up to 35 rounds from its drum magazine before needing a reload. And you can switch from single shot to “slam fire” mode, and drill Gary from IT a dozen times before he even has a chance to duck behind his scale model of the Starship Enterprise.

Or if machine gunning is more your speed, try the Vulcan EBF-25. (On the left.) It’s a 25-dart, belt-fed, fully automatic blaster (because a 6-year-old needs that…) and comes with a fold-up tripod for stability during full-on office assaults, and the Tactical Rail System which lets you customize your blaster for each mission, like adding the Tactical Scope for hitting long range targets, or the green ‘night vision’ Tactical Light for Nerf wars with Paris Hilton.

Rounding out the line are the Recon CS-6 blaster with a 6 dart clip and flip-up target sight, the Longshot CS-6 with scope and bipod, for the future sniper on your family, and the Maverick, which looks like an overblown cartoon version of a six-shooter should you find yourself in a stand off with Yosemite Sam.

Hell. and. yes. Full disclosure: though we haven’t picked up Nerf toys in almost two decades, we did live in a house with a healthy supply of air-soft pellet guns - why no, no women lived there, how did you know? - and that year was more fun than an adult ought to be able to have without breaking the law.

So perhaps we’re just a little predisposed to wanting these things. But come on. If you’re a father and - on the offhand chance the mother lets these things within 50 feet of the house - your kid gets them, tell me you’re not going to pick one up and blast the hell out of that little brat.

Hell, take the Bachelor Guy’s advice and buy some for the office. Sure, it won’t fly for that long, but when’s the last time you were having so much fun that someone actually had to take toys away from you? It’s a very enriching experience, and when was the last time you had one of those?