If we were to tell you that Lou Holtz is doing something very weird, you’d probably think something like, “Oh God, he’s dishing out sex advice on those “Dr. Lou” segments, isn’t he? Oh, and it’s terrible advice, like ‘chicks who have been to prison will do anal,’ isn’t it? It was only a matter of time.” But no, this news is weirder than that. He has taken to the Internet to announce that he’s returning to coaching. And recruiting old Notre Dame players to play as Notre Dame. To play against Japan. In outer space*.
WITH LEATHER, which last I checked doesn’t even sell leather, has the bizarre story. It looks like there’s some Notre Dame alumni meeting in Tokyo**, and to mark the occasion, Lou Holtz is bringing over a bunch of the Golden Domers to play an exhibition football game against some Japanese all-star team. But little do they know… Japanese football is actually this! Well, okay, no it isn’t.
There’s a particularly surreal video of Dr. Lou trying to recruit these alumni, via YouTube, after the break.
And so who has Dr. Lou signed up so far? Well, some players… whom… well, you’ve probably never heard of.
Holtz said that over 100 former Notre Dame players volunteered to make the trip, so he and his coaching staff will hold tryouts to narrow the team down for the trip. The final roster will be announced in April. Holtz listed several players who were sure to make the team, including quarterback Tony Rice, running back Travis Thomas and center Tim Ruddy.
It should go without saying that we desperately hope Rice is beaten out for the starting QB spot by the world’s first 7-time Heisman winner, Ron Powlus. Seriously, though, a bunch of fat 40-year-old dudes trying to push around some kids from a foreign country with no history of football is going to entertain these alumni? They’re from… oh, right, Notre Dame, never mind, that explains everything.
Anyway, we’re still awaiting specifics on this one, but suffice it to say that since it’s in Japan, we can take a few things for granted:
- Two players on each side get swords
- All the jersey numbers will be those weird Japanese characters that look like fences or Christmas trees
- Halftime show: Weird tentacle porn with pregnant chicks and aliens
And above all else:
- Total ratings disaster for NBC Tokyo
*Okay, we made this one up, but you weren’t even fazed when we played the space card with Uncle Lou, were you? It’s only a matter of time.
**We didn’t know they had Catholics over there either, man.