Marc Stein of the 50,000-watt flamethrower known as ESPN has received word from the NBA’s dominatrix, Stu Jackson, that he will be charged with punishing players with a penchant to exaggerate possible foul situations. In other words: death to the floppers! (Well… a series of very small paper cuts. But those could hurt if they’re not treated promptly! Yeah!)
(You can pry my flopping from my cold dead hands. Unless, of course, you bump into me first. Then it will fall out of my hands when I drop to the ground like a sack of corn meal.)
We fear this will fall apart under the pressure of the NBA season and fail to be pursued after a few months, like calling traveling, improving official scoring, and posting Joey Crawford to D-League games in Siberia. However, we also fear the attempt to return aggressiveness to defenses across the league will be blocked by protests we hear are forming against this new rule.
A short list of the organizations and people quietly banding together to fight the new NBA fines against flopping:
- Greenpeace demands the homage Raja Bell has been acting out every game to raise awareness of the tragedy that is the epidemic of beached whales across North America continues. His wriggling, slapping, and flopping reminds us all that there are whales throwing themselves onto our beaches each year and they need our help. Why does the NBA hate whales? Does David Stern have nightmares about Benoit Benjamin or something?
- Devotees of the Humphrey-Weidman school of modern dance and its emphasis on fall and recovery demand their star pupil, Anderson Varejao, be allowed to continue his brilliant exploration of the 94 ft. space left vacant by the heartbreaking departure of Dennis Rodman. (We assume they’re correct about this since we’re not modern dance aficionados. Also, we don’t think that’s basketball Varejao’s doing out there.)
- ShoeBottomAdsCo, an advertising startup in Oak Park, IL, has threatened legal action against the league already for removing their sole revenue stream (if you will): brief advertisements placed on the bottom of Bruce Bowen’s shoes.
- Argentina’s pretty sure this is a direct shot at them, meant to lock out Argentinian basketball players by forcing Manu Ginobli and Andres Nocioni to head home to ply their trade. An oil embargo is under consideration.
- By way of counterpoint, Max Mosley’s not against the rule. In fact, he will negotiate a settlement with FIA to leave as the Formula One chief if they will arrange to let him ride the bench in Miami and get punished for flailing around wildly.