NASCAR Waters Down Cabbage Patch Kids Market

NASCAR, bless their profit-driven souls, would put an official NASCAR holograph sticker on their mothers if they thought Mama would sell at a 60% markup in one of those truck trailers set up outside the tracks on race day. Of course, their mothers would fly off the shelves if they had Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s face tattooed on their arms.

Cabbage Patch NASCAR

(”Finally, I can relate to the sport of NASCAR!”)

That’s why the makers of Cabbage Patch Kids chose Junior to be the first one to receive the Cabbage Patch Kid treatment in the “NASCAR ‘Kids” line. No, really. They are making NASCAR drivers into Cabbage Patch Kids. We have photographic proof after the jump of the only opportunity Junior will have to come in first this year.

Here’s Junior in all his doughy glory:

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Cabbage Patch Kid

(Doughy, eh? Seems a shame Tony Stewart didn’t go first.)

Jeff Gordon will go second, which means they’ll be making his doll life-sized.

If you’ll remember, the Cabbage Patch Kids schtick involved adopting the plant/human hybrids and caring for them as their legal guardian while you were still young enough to have your own legal guardian.

The story continues with these branded buggers; their birth certificates will have the same birth dates as the real drivers. You’re actually adopting the real drivers and caring for them. That’s probably good, actually, since Kyle Busch has lost his pacifier and will be crying and ramming other drivers for hours if you don’t find it fast.

Of course, this can only end well, as you can see from this highly-advanced simulation of the Lowe’s Motor Speedway sales trailer area this weekend: