NASCAR Track Secedes from Smoking Union

Tennessee recently passed the Non-Smoker Protection Act, preventing people from lighting up in public places. These places include the homes of the Titans, the University of Tennessee, and Bristol Motor Speedway. The one-time home of many Winston Cup races now has to butt in and ask patrons to extinguish the cancer sticks and enjoy the exhaust fumes from the race instead.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. peels out

(No, Junior! Stop! You’ll get a citation!)

Of course, this change isn’t sitting well with patrons that have watched the cars become safer, the sponsors become tamer, and the excessive drinking become slightly less excessive. The community hedonism and dangerous lifestyle of a NASCAR fan might well be a trip to Disney World with Jeff Gordon as the little mouse that could.

Still, NASCAR’s not turning back to a regional sport any time soon and definitely not increasing its liability or flouting state laws (unless you count speeding tickets for the car rig drivers). Therefore, we recommend NASCAR and its sponsors latch onto this opporunity.

Specifically, we recommend Jeff Gordon slow his #24 car to a crawl around the track, abandoning any pretense of trying to win the race. This will give every fan a long look at the hood of his car and see the name of one of his main sponsors, Nicorette. Nicorette Ladies could then slip through the crowd with free samples and T-shirt cannons. Tennessee’s health crisis would be solved.

Jeff Gordon car

(Jeff Gordon cures cancer and still pisses off South)