Most NFL Teams To Rename Selves As ‘Elephants’

Typically, there are two types of people who trend toward voting Republican: rich people and Dixielanders. We’re sure you know people who don’t follow these trends - we do too - but it’s a trend that the numbers bear out year after year. It makes sense, really; Republicans have an agenda that favors lower taxes for the rich, and people in the South are dumb enough to listen to Glenn Beck. It’s all terribly rational.

GOP Elephants Helmet
(Their mascot? Rudy Giuliani, of course.)

So when it comes to a sport like the NFL with its enormous payrolls, you’d think the trend would be that they vote Republican overwhelmingly, right? It would make no sense that… oh wait, we’re being told… oh, that’s true? Damn, I took out my “Option A would make so much more sense than Option B, even though Option B” opening for nothing. Of all the rotten luck.


NFL owners, team officials, players and coaches have overwhelmingly favored Republicans with their political contributions, according to a study released Thursday by the Center for Responsive Politics.

The report, which reviewed contributions dating back to 1989, found that combined contributions from players, owners and officials on 22 of the 32 National Football League teams have given more cash to Republicans than Democrats, and that several teams have given more than 90 percent of their contributions to the GOP.

The San Diego Chargers blew away the rest of the field with $2,455,200 in total money contributed, with most of that coming from team owner Alex Spanos, who has given more than $2 million, almost all of it to Republicans.

No other team’ made total contributions of more than $1 million, though 19 others gave at least $100,000.

The commenters, being the typical mental titans you see on political websites, interpreted this to mean that every single NFL player is a Republican and that that is awesome news for all Republicans and bad news for Obama or something. We gave up as soon as the term “liberal gene” was used unironically.

But if you’ll read that quote more closely, it says that 22 of the 32 teams trend Republican. Sooo, if one were to deliberately misuse statistics to make a bogus political point, one could look at the success of teams and compare them to their political donations. Yes, this is flatly ridiculous, but admit it: now you want to know.

So here’s who’s won the last 10 Super Bowls, complete with their ideological leanings by percentage of money to each party. This will totally settle the debate about which political party is right. Seriously, this proves so much.

2008: Pittsburgh Steelers: 56% DEM
2007: New York Giants: 72% REP
2006: Pittsburgh Steelers: 56% DEM
2005: New England Patriots: 72% DEM
2004: New England Patriots: 72% DEM
2003: Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 51% REP
2002: New England Patriots: 72% DEM
2001: Baltimore Ravens: 62% REP
2000: St. Louis Rams: 98% DEM

HOLY CRAP THE DEMOCRATS ARE BETTER AT FOOTBALL. Indisputable evidence, people! Actually, there is a fact that’s a little surprising: of the 12 most hyper-Republican franchises - the ones who have donated more than 75% of their money to “red” causes - none have won a title since the ’90s. Granted, one of these teams is the Cowboys, and uh, they were pretty okay back then. But still.

Still, let’s just make this clear: the list is to be used for entertainment purposes only, and it actually proves absolutely nothing. Actually, it’s good for one thing. Bring up the Super Bowl results to your Republican friend sometime, just to hear him say it’s all bulls**t. Because no matter if they’re Democrats or Republicans, making people angry over trivial political details is very, very funny.