MMA: No Go In Vancouver, Yes Go In Texas HS?

If you think of two cities in North America, it’s hard to imagine two more dissimilar locales than Vancouver and Dallas. Sure, there are more geographically removed examples, but Wasilla and Miami aren’t so dissimilar; they both love the living hell out of a particular drug (meth and cocaine, respectively). But while Vancouver is like Valhalla for potheads, hippies, and the poor of hygiene (redundant, we know), Dallas is Texas to the core, where they’d look at Hank Hill as “dangerously liberal.”

Massive blood MMA
(Just think: in Dallas, this could be your son!)

That disparity in attitudes is probably best demonstrated by each’s approach to MMA, which is an acronym that somehow stands for “legally beating the living Christ out of someone for fun and money.” In Vancouver, they held five events and said “no no, that’ll be all, hockey back bacon Rick Moranis snow.” In Dallas, however, not only is it sanctioned, but it’s apparently an effective disciplinary tool for administrators of local high schools. Oh, this can’t end well.

The principal and other staff members at South Oak Cliff High School were supposed to be breaking up fights. Instead, they sent troubled students into a steel utility cage in an athletic locker room to battle it out with bare fists and no head protection, records show.

Documents obtained by The Dallas Morning News say the “cage fights” took place between 2003 and 2005. The records don’t say how many fights may have taken place.

Wait wait wait. A principal treating his high school like a cockfighting league is wrong all of a sudden? Uh oh.

And look, we’ve never run an illicit teenaged fighting ring inside a high school (that you know of), but were we to, the first rule would almost certainly be “don’t keep school records of the illicit teenaged fighting ring.” That’d be a good start.

You also might notice that the fights apparently stopped in 2005, which is a shame. Not only because video cameras have come such a long way from then, but MMA was still in its infancy back then. How many of those cage fighters do you suppose knew how to win on the ground? Could any of them use their legs worth a crap, or was it just Kimbo Slice-style punching? This was a prime teaching opportunity, and it was just wasted. Pathetic.

Oh, and the principal at the time, Donald Moten, denies any wrongdoing (of course). We’re guessing that he’s lying, maybe going to prison, and definitely going to hell.

And speaking of hell, that’s what Vancouver-area MMA instructors think the place has turned into since the 2007 curtailment of sanctioned MMA fights. God damn it, that’s a good segue.

Richmond-based mixed martial arts instructor Mark Bishop of Urban Rebel MMA is happy to hear the issue is back on council’s agenda.

“Financially, it would be a huge boost to the economy,” said Bishop. “It would give an outlet to a lot of very bored youth who are looking for choices other than hockey or fighting in the street.”

Yes, the Vancouver city council is actually putting the MMA notion back onto their plate for 2009, though we’re not so sure residents are going to be thrilled that every third man between the ages of 18 and 30 is going to be walking around with a black eye and his arm in a sling. We’re not optimistic, if for no other reason than we have childishly simple societal opinions, and that means people in Vancouver would never stand for a punch being thrown. Also, all rap is bad music, all athletes are good role models, and the world was better in the 50’s because it was black and white.

Now, off to shred all those cagefighting documents.