MLB Without Steroids Like Porn Without Silicone

For the first time in many, many moons, I sat in a major league ballpark recently and watched two complete MLB games - pitch-by-pitch. (White Sox v. Royals weekend before last.) I worked as a professional baseball announcer for nine years, at the minor- and major-league level, and I must say that what I saw was a little surprising. And deflating (literally).

Monster Implants In Porn Like Steroids In Baseball

(At least porn and baseball still have bad dye jobs in common)

The speed and the power of the game that we’ve all been accustomed to the past 20 years at the MLB level is effectively gone. And the baggie unis only underline the perception that the game is now being played underwater. (Read slooooooo motion.)

Baseball is more compelling …

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Any ideas why? BudRoger? Alex? Barry? Governor Arnold?

Much like porn without breast implants, for most of the male population watching drug-free baseball isn’t nearly as appealing. As long as I’ve been attending games, baseball’s signature has been that consistent upper deck deposit - injected into the stands by your team’s resident bigfoot.

Or the insane 101-mph fastballer lurking in every club’s bullpen. (Mr. Lidge, where have you gone?)

And you thought the founders of Flomax were the only people whose lives have changed forever from a dash of urine dribble.

Now combine the game’s new-found production governor with outrageously priced tickets around the league, and you see a sea of empties every night at virtually every ballpark.

I ask you, if Manny Ramirez was still a full-blown, undetected steroid user, do you think you’d see the appalling number of nightly empties for the first-place Dodgers? Just one small example of the effect drug-free baseball is having on idling turnstiles.

For me, it sucks that the kids growing up in this era won’t see the King Kong shots that us older folk enjoyed over the years. Batters appearing as cartoon-inflatables, pulses racing every time they stepped to the pitcher.

But on the bright side, you can guarantee that as attendance continues to plummet, there will be massive ticket price reductions across all markets beginning next season.

Think of it this way: If players in the NBA suddenly were unable to dunk, do you think admission would still cost the same?

That might sound like an extreme example, but after watching the Royals and White Sox* last week, I don’t think it’s as much as a stretch as you might think.

*Yes, I know they both blow goat, but it’s still the major leagues, babo.