MLB Wants Kids To “Just Say No” To Steroids

After years of fumbling and bumbling, the LOS ANGELES TIMES reports that Bud Selig and MLB have finally figured out how to solve that pesky steroid problem. It’s not increased testing, or harsher penalties for first time offenders. No, it’s funding an anti-steroid Web site targeted at kids. Problem solved, Congress, so you can put away your subpoenas and leave baseball alone.

Mr. Garrison

MLB is contributing roughly $2 million a year to a Web site created by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America that encourages youths to avoid taking performance enhancing drugs like steroids. The money will make sure that the site comes up when people search for questions like “Where can I get steroids?” It’s an alternative to what came up before, which was simply a map of Barry Bonds’ house.

The site features several TV segments produced by the PDFA. Certainly there’s nothing as unintentionally humorous as the “This is Your Brain on Drugs” PSAs from the 1980s, but to think that they are actually going to stop kids from using steroids is pretty laughable. It roughly the same effect of having Mr. Mackey run your anti-steroid campaign.

Maybe they can combine the “I Learned it By Watching You” PSAs with the old Mean Joe Greene Coke commercial, only this time with someone like Gary Matthews Jr. throwing a kid a vial of HGH in the tunnel of the stadium?

Even better is the “Parent Talk Kit” which intends to give parents ways to talk to their kids about the dangers of steroid use. It’s all well-meaning, but the main thrust seems to be that you need to talk to you teenager, which every sitcom I’ve ever seen has shown is totally impossible.

(That, and that steroids are no substitute for hard work and grueling training, so concerned parents can help by driving their kids to the breaking point with practice, practice, practice.)

But don’t just MLB’s word that drugs are bad. Listen to one Hall of Famer and natty dresser give you the “straight dope” on drugs: