Michael Phelps Smokes Yet Another World Record

One of the DEA’s dirty (and poorly kept) secrets is that marijuana - the devil weed - doesn’t have much in the way of long-term negative effects. That’s not to say it’s healthy, of course, but you don’t see the sores or teeth falling out or other never-the-same-after-that problems.

michael phelps bong
(Throwing his career away, right? What do you mean, “no”?!)

Perfect case in point: the single most famous pot-smoking athlete in America today, Michael Phelps. Phelps is back in competition after his suspension for being photographed while apparently using a bong (to Phelps’ credit, he owned up instead of trying to go for the “implausible but try and prove otherwise” defense of claiming he wasn’t actually smoking at the time).

But marijuana’s a drug, one that directly involves the respiratory system that’s kinda important in swimming and other athletic endeavors. Surely, it must have robbed him of his legendary conditioning, right? Negatory: he just found a world record he didn’t already own and claimed it for himself:

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps has broken the 100m butterfly world record.

The 24-year-old American, who has won 14 Olympic gold medals, lowered countryman Ian Crocker’s four-year-old mark of 50.40 seconds, clocking 50.22.

“I really wanted to break 50 seconds but that is something to shoot for,” said Phelps.

Oh, you showoff. That makes five world records for the mandolphin, not including the 37-second bong rip he unleashed at the Kappa house last summer man, so sweet, I’m not even lying,* so crazy.

The good news for Phelps is that despite the embarrassment from the suspension, he has managed to maintain a decent portion of his endorsements. Principal among them is Subway, who just released a commercial with Phelps and Jared Fogle, who is still incredibly annoying:

Slight guess: Phelps doesn’t have much future in television.

*This is a lie.