Speed Read: Merriman-Tequila Saga Gets Weirder

If all you know is that Chargers’ linebacker Shawne Merriman was arrested for choking buoyant reality diva Tila Tequila on Sunday, then you don’t know the elongated, PENTHOUSE FORUM version which just surfaced last night. This story gets quite a lot more naked, as it turns out.

Shawn Merriman, Tila Tequila

Because frankly all of this was boring me until I found out it included Merriman’s attempt to have a threesome; a drunk Tequila walking in on it; Tequila then threatening to have sex with one of Merriman’s friends; Tequila getting naked as she made this threat and attempting to run out of the house; Merriman choking her to keep her from leaving. Am I leaving anything out?

From San Diego 10 News:

The sources told 10News reporter Juliette Vara that witnesses at Merriman’s home said the three-time Pro Bowl linebacker went to his bedroom with two women. Sources said Tequila walked into the room and Merriman asked her to join them. However, the sources said Tequila reacted angrily and threatened to have sex with a member of Merriman’s entourage.

According to sources, Tequila was intoxicated, and she got naked and attempted to leave the house.

Sources told Vara that Merriman, 25, tried to stop the 27-year-old Tequila, and that is when she called 911.

Tequila accused Merriman of choking and throwing her to the ground while she was trying to leave the house. Tequila signed a citizen’s arrest warrant accusing Merriman of battery and false imprisonment. Both are felonies.

Of course this will in no way be a distraction on the week leading to San Diego’s regular season opener. How could it be, with comedy stylings such as this?:

Vara asked Merriman to clarify his relationship with Tequila, and he immediately contacted his attorney.

“I don’t know if … let me text my lawyer real quick,” he said.

Merriman later acknowledged that he and the MTV star were friends and had only known each other for a short time.

“If anyone feels this is a distraction for me, I apologize,” Merriman said. “I know my No. 1 priority is guys in the locker room.”

Should Shawne Merriman be prosecuted for choking Tila Tequila?

View Results

No doubt you’ve read Brooks‘ take last night on the Mark Whicker, Orange County Register column controversy. Indeed, Whicker seemed intent on defending the column to the last until his editors, presumably, got hold of him and told him that he had to write an apology, or else.

But where were those editors when the column was first submitted? Sure, copy editors are falling like 19th-century plains buffalo, and the Register has been as hard-hit in that regard as any paper. But someone on the desk had to read the column before it went out to mingle amongst the Register’s 250,000 circulation. And whether the sports editor actually physically read the column or not, the buck has to stop with him. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann had a rather pointed analysis in that regard on “Countdown” last night, naming not Whicker, but the Register’s sports editors among Wednesday’s “Worst Persons in the World.”

“Runnersup David Bean, Todd Harmonson and Keith Sharon, sports editors of the newspaper the Orange County Register. At least once a career every columnist, every commentator at every paper will write something so bad, so inappropriate, that the editor will just have to kill it. Mr. Bean, Mr. Harmonson and Mr. Sharon failed to do this.”

Olbermann goes on to describe Whicker’s column, and then concludes with:

“But you’re the guys reading this, deciding whether or not it gets published, and you say, ‘Great!’ You are in over your head, gentlemen.

For further evidence of his apparent disconnect with the reality of what he wrote, witness Whicker’s correspondence with a reader from yesterday:

Meanwhile, to keep Bengals’ fans minds off of what is sure to be another craptastic regular season, Chad Ochocinco is reminding them that he has more Twitter shenanigans in store for Sunday’s opener at home against Denver. This despite the fact that Roger Goodell has forbidden players from using the Twitter Machine from 90 minutes prior to games, until 90 minutes after. From the ASSOCIATED PRESS, via PRO FOOTBALL TALK:

“The Twitter world, they don’t need a signal,” Ochocinco said Wednesday. “They’ll know. It’s the quiet before the storm. Just watch. I’ve been really, really quiet, and there’s a storm coming Sunday. That’s one of the things that I do when I’m back: I have something. I keep you on the edge of your seat.

“NFL, I would like to apologize to you guys early. I understand. I read all the fine print in the letters you sent, but I did find loopholes. I found loopholes.”

Chad Ochocinco

What are those loopholes? A PFT commenter thinks it’s obvious.

He’s already said it on UStream. He plans on having a special Bengals fan (preferably not from Cinci) flown in for each home game to act as his personal Twitter rep. Chad will work out and send signals during the game and that lucky fan will update his Twitter for him. –skeenek says: September 9, 2009 9:32 PM

  • Yes, as you can see in the screencap above, the Jets are looking for a fan to lead them out of the tunnel for their game on Oct. 18 against the Bills (Hmm, I hope it’s a home game. Haven’t checked). What could possibly go wrong?

  • In case you missed it, Real Madrid announced plans to open a theme park on the outskirts of Madrid. Called Galactica World, it will include rides, and I don’t know, stuff they bought at auction after the failure of Euro Disney. Thanks for giving Jerry Jones another crackpot idea, Spain.
  • All of you who chose Brett Favre in your fantasy drafts last night — and you know who you are — please give me a call. I can make you a nice deal on Chad Pennington for Weeks 10-16.

  • Finally, a gift for the person who is a fan of both the Arizona Cardinals and Michael Vick. Wait, what? By the way, if you haven’t seen the site PEOPLE OF WALMART, you should get over there right now. Otherwise you’re going to miss photos like this:

  • Oh, and speaking of Vick, a Washington D.C. animal rescue has taken out an ad in the WASHINGTON POST promising to donate five bags of dog food to a D.C. animal shelter for every time Vick is tackled when the Eagles visit the Redskins on Oct. 26. Not sacked; tackled.

Joyful Sounds

  • And so we leave Speed Read this morning with another album from my record collection. Aside from great party music, it also serves as a reminder that there are other ways for the Mets’ David Wright to protect his head other than with an oversized batting helmet.