When the SYDNEY DAILY TELEGRAPH prints a headline like “69 And A Dead Bear’s Bum,” you know you have to read it:

Turns out the article is a collection of some of the more guffaw-inducing golf quotes from the past year. Better get some duct tape, because your sides will be splitting after reviewing these remarks:

• Scottish golfer Sam Torrance during a TV interview: “If you’d offered me a 69 at the start this morning, I’d have been all over you.”

• Former Irish golfer David Feherty commenting on Jim Furyk’s swing: “Like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

• Former Prez George H.W. Bush about to tee off: “If anybody laughs when I hit it, they’re dead. We got Secret Service here.”

• Peter Thomson on a certain pro’s designs: “Nicklaus’ courses are like Jack himself - grim and humorless with sharp edges.”

• Peter Lonard on trying to improve his game: “I’d stick my head up a dead bear’s bum if it made me putt really good.”

And of course, what quote list wouldn’t be complete without the Wide Load of the Links himself, John Daly:

• On Tiger Woods becoming a father: “I wanted to be his child. If I was a child I wouldn’t play golf anymore, I’d be sitting in a boat somewhere spending all dad’s money. I’ve been trying to get him to adopt me for the last five years, but he wouldn’t do it.”

• On Tiger’s claim that his golf foes are out of shape: “I tried, but every time I worked out, I threw up. And I thought to myself that you can get drunk and throw up, so it’s just not for me. I’d rather smoke, drink Diet Cokes and eat.“