McKelvin Won’t Prosecute Penis-Drawing Vandals

I’m guessing that there isn’t a lot of serious crime to distract the police in Hamburg, NY, so the miscreants who defaced the front lawn of Bills cornerback Leodis McKelvin didn’t stand much of a chance of getting away with it. After an intense investigation (someone called in a tip), the vandals are now in custody.

Leodis McKelvin

McKelvin, you may recall, committed a key fumble on a kick return that led the Patriots to a come-from-behind 25-24 win on Monday. Late that night, police said, someone painted “obscenities” on the lawn of his home. Now we know the details of the artwork, and what McKelvin plans to do about it.

According to the BUFFALO NEWS, the two in custody are both 16-year-old boys who did the deed at about 2 a.m. on Tuesday morning. Police got an anonymous tip that led to one suspect, who then ratted out the other.

The messages scrawled on the lawn outside McKelvin’s brick home in the Briercliff Estates subdivision off Amsdell Road included the statement “learn 2 take a knee,” as well as the score—25-24—and a graphic depiction of the male anatomy.

“Something like that you don’t expect to see anywhere but on TV, on ‘Varsity Blues’ or something like that,” McKelvin said. “Me, personally, I was mad. I was angry in a way, but I was laughing in a way because of what they put on there.

Let’s break this down. First of all, “Learn 2 take a knee” makes sense, although substituting “2″ for “to” doesn’t really save a lot of room, and kind of gives away your age. No one over 18 would use Twitter-speak in lawn graffiti. The score was rather unnecessary, but accurate. The penis? Totally gratuitous; and again, it’s just like writing “we’re a couple of 16-year-old twits” on the lawn.

McKelvin, however, sounds like he is not inclined to prosecute.

“I don’t want anybody to be arrested or anything like that,” McKelvin said in comments distributed by the team. “Our fans have been great. It’s just one incident and hopefully it won’t happen anymore. I just don’t want anyone to get arrested.”

My suggestion? Lock kids in a room for 18 hours and make them watch repeated episodes of this.