Mayfield’s Meth Defense Rests On Phony Doctor

Remember, if you will, that NASCAR’s Jeremy Mayfield was busted under the league’s substance abuse policy for a positive drug test that has been confirmed to indicate methamphetamines. In Mayfield’s resultant lawsuit, his case relies heavily upon NASCAR’s drug testing, with an expert witness calling the entire procedure’s integrity into question.

Doctor Nick
(”Hi, everybody!”)

One tiny problem with Mayfield’s defense: his expert witness is probably a bigger fraud than Springfield’s own Dr. Nick (and, in all likelihood, not as jovial). NASCAR’s lawyers unloaded a monster of a motion in court today, systematically dissecting every aspect of Dr. Harvey MacFenerstein*’s resume. If they’re right, Mayfield’s attorneys are either blind stupid… or putting together the most subtly brilliant plea of ignorance we’ve ever seen.

First, the motion itself. From the ASSOCIATED PRESS:

Among MacFenerstein’s listed qualifications in the affidavit are claims that he has a bachelor of science degree in medical technology from “Mid Western State University of Texas”; he obtained a medical doctor degree in clinical pathology from CETED University in Mexico; he is certified as a Medical Review Officer, and has membership and certification from two different clinical agencies.

But NASCAR submitted six affidavits Tuesday refuting each of his claims.

What follows is a detailed list of how NASCAR refuted each of them. We’d list them all, but our blockquote tag is getting a litte winded. Oh, but we’ve got room for this most lawlerly smackdown:

“The sole support for MacFenerstein’s status as an expert witness was his supposed credentials, which have been shown to be false,” NASCAR said in the motion.

“Plaintiffs may not be pleased with the fact that the drug testing process revealed the presence of substances that are banned by NASCAR,” the motion said, “but Plaintiffs cannot attack the drug test results and the Defendants on the basis of an expert who has submitted patently and demonstrably false testimony.”

But we wonder if there’s a deeper strategy at work here. Why on earth would Mayfield bring in a blatantly fraudulent doctor on his behalf? Perhaps, and we’re just spitballin’ here, but perhaps, it’s part of a strategy to prove that Mayfield either doesn’t know what doctors are or at the very least, can’t reasonably determine a legitimate one from a fake one where the certificates on the walls are just fast food placemats with the kids’ games on the back that you’re supposed to do in crayon (semi-related note: those mazes were always way too hard).

And if he can’t tell that, then if a doctor tells him he needs prescription eyedrops or Adderall or whatever Mayfield claims he was using, but instead gives him crystal meth, again, how’s Mayfield to know? And if you punish the man for that, don’t you send the message that all idiots people prone to being lied to deserve to be punished? YES PLEASE YES That is not the America we know and love at SbB, sirs. Our ignorance we prize, and our rights we will imagine.

*Fake name? Oh, no no. It’s real. And it’s spectacular.