Dear Chicago Cubs,
Enclosed, please find a bill for $70,400. This will even the ledger for the thirty-plus years of “existential damages” left by your utter inability to seal the deal, leaving us exposed to cruel taunts from other sports fans. Please deliver via cashier’s check since we don’t know how long your checks will be good now that Jay Mariotti isn’t around to keep the newspaper business propped up.
(”Oh… oh, God… ‘Cubs suck’? Hold me.”)
If you find this request someone ludicrous, please note that this sum has been taken directly from a recent court case won in Italy by a poor aggrieved soccer fan who had to read cruel taunting banners from Inter Milan fans against his fair town of Naples. He has been awarded 1500 Euros for damages borne from signs calling his town the “sewer of Italy” and riffing on that theme.
(Naples, you see, is deep in the pockets of the Mafia. The Mafia is deep into the garbage collection business. The city is hip-deep in refuse because of this. Apparently, taunting people with the truth has its consequences in Italy. We suggest Barack Obama remembers that.)
We have calculated out our figure by each year we have suffered at the hands of cruel sports fans across America. We did not include this year; please pay promptly to avoid having this season’s inevitable collapse included in the tally.