Making Money Off Prep Athletes Never Been Easier

So your 401(k) has sunk so low that it’s subterranean. So your stock portfolio spontaneously combusted from the friction of freefall. So you’re thinking of stealing your own copper pipes from your home. Have you considered investing your last few dollars in the last sure thing? Then find your nearest high school basketball star and buy up all his belongings.

Greg Oden girl dance

(If she was smart, she would have grabbed his shirt and ran to the nearest sports memorabilia convention)

High school basketball star memorabilia (like Tampa’s Sickles High prospect and UNC signee John Henson) is the latest and greatest way to make money off teenagers without breaking child labor laws. As the owner of a Tampa memorabilia company puts it:

It’s like a stock; you hope to buy it at a low price and sell it at a high price. You can get stuff from these kids in high school and hope it will go up when they make it in the NBA, if and whenever that happens.

There is no way this plan can fail. Why, a commemorative plate used by Kevin Garnett to eat dinner in 1987 at a Shoney’s in Lugoff, SC, has risen in value from $1 to $1.75, nearly doubling in value. Call the local high school now!

Catch? What catch, Mr. Memorabilia Store Owner?

The problem is it doesn’t have a lot of value until they get to that point. Right now, it’s just sort of suspect. There’s a lot of kids going to North Carolina, and when one’s gone, another one comes in.

Therefore, the key to investment success is to travel to all the area high schools and get all the used clothing items from the boys’ locker room, meticuously bag and tag each item, and wait for the money to start rolling in. The entry cost is low and the reward for success is huge.

(For the record, we assume “reward” is the same as “having to register as a sex offender for the rest of our lives”.)