Luke Walton’s Stalker Really Should Aim Higher

There’s a hierarchy to stalking targets. A complex formula involving the victim’s celebrity, charisma, and certain intangibles determines how worthy they are of being stalked. Last month’s Paula Abdul stalker should have known that Paula is just a third-rate Janet Jackson. That guy who attacked Lindsay Lohan in a club? She’s no Jodie Foster. And in the sports world, anyone who stalks Derek Jeter is clearly going for the high score. But Luke Walton? That’s just sad and demeaning for everybody involved.

Luke Walton and Stalker

(Actually, looks like a match made in white trash heaven.)

As you should have known even before you saw that picture, female stalkers are never attractive. But Stacy Elizabeth Beshear of El Segundo, Calif., is really scraping the bottom of the barrel when she decides to focus all her unhealthy attention on the Lakers forward, averaging a healthy 9.6 minutes a game this season. Beshear was sentenced this week to three years probation, counseling, and staying the hell away from Luke Walton.

This means she can’t be near his home or work, which means no Lakers games for her. Were this the early 90’s, Randy Pfund Lakers, I’d say that sentence is a godsend. But why now, when they’re playing such exciting ball! Cruel and unusual punishment.

There’s a fine line between a stalker and a superfan, so how do we know Beshear didn’t just mistakenly take her Lakers pride a little too far? Just what did she do to warrant being arrested?

Beshear was arrested Sept. 18 after she pulled up to Walton’s car and pretended to fire gunshots at him with her hand, officials said.

Oh. That’ll do it.