Log On For Shaq’s ‘Six Picks’ To Celeb Success

This afternoon at 2 p.m., noted large man Shaquille O’Neal will be the veteran center of attention in some corporate Webinar about success and how it can work for you at home and in the office. He’ll share “his top six picks on what makes a celebrity endorsement successful.”

Shaquille O'Neal's Webinar on success

So it got us thinking. (Okay. That’s a lie. It got me thinking.) What are the six picks? Let’s take a bunch of guesses.

Sure, I could wait until 2 p.m. today and register for the Webinar, but that would require ditching my one corporate rule: I can tolerate all the conference calls and all-hands meeting. But: no. God. Dang. Webinars.

Pick #1 — BE BIG. If you’re bigger than other people, you can impose your will on them. Note: Only sometimes works at laser tag, provided the chaperons aren’t looking. Also: do not try this at elementary schools.

Pick #2 — HAVE A RHYMING NAME. This is just common sense. “Shaquille” and “O’Neal” go together so well. When commoners say your name, they will feel good about themselves and make the correlation in their heads. Other notable rhyming success stories: former Phillies infielder Greg Legg, romantic swashbuckler Don Juan, and persistent marksman Sirhan Sirhan. If your name doesn’t rhyme, then you must change it.

Pick #3 — HAVE A DIFFERENT NICKNAME EVERY YEAR. Superman. The Big Aristotle. The Diesel. At least 14 nicknames have been documented on this highly successful center. And he has four NBA titles and an Olympic gold medal. Meanwhile, Alex Rodriguez has only one nickname, “A-Rod,” and is widely considered one of the worst players ever to suit up for the Yankees, given that he has no championships.

Pick #4 — This one is actually a visual secret to success:

Shaq - Kazaam!

All right. Let’s continue.

Pick #5 — FIND SOMETHING YOU LOVE DOING, AND CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY DOING, BUT BE REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE AT ONE FACET OF IT.

Pick #6 — HOST YOUR OWN WEBINAR ON SOMETHING. Maybe on how to be successful. People will listen if you have a mugshot on a fancy-looking website where you’re smiling and wearing something fashionable.