Guerrero’s Big Jugs (Of Booze) Inspire Us, In Song

Mix Lisa Guerrero, Kentucky moonshine and John Daly and what do you get? An argument over who wears a larger cup size. That, and the hardest-hitting column this side of Charles Krauthammer.

Lisa Guerrero

(Eh, still better than Kornheiser.)

Guerrero was down south for Daly’s charity golf tournament, but she couldn’t resist sampling the local delicacies: home brewed liquor and country music. “Caught up in the spirit” of the moonshine(read: drunk), she confesses she wrote her own country tune about an aging pitcher who wants to play again. Husband Scott Erickson must be thrilled that his wife finds his feelings of physical inadequacy so inspiring that she wants to share it with the world. (Presumptive lyrics after the jump.)

Guerrero admits she was inspired by a song called “No Trash In My Trailer,” except she manages to get the song’s name wrong. I’d like to think her original composition, titled “The Comeback,” goes a little something like this:

Remember me? I was good with the Twins
Though I haven’t been good in some time
Washed up long before I washed out
Career ERA of 4.59

I struck it rich with the Orioles
Where my skills promptly bought the farm
How bad are you when you can’t cut it there
They’ll let anyone pitch with two arms

I tried with the Mets, Rangers, Dodgers and Yanks
And picked up a groupie along the way
Maybe I shouldn’t have married a girl
Who likes to get naked for pay

But there’s still some zip on my fastball
And plenty of drop on my change
I need to get back into baseball
My wife’s tastes ain’t in my price range

Scott Erickson and Lisa Guerrero

Everyone’s favorite legitimate sports journalist promised us last month that her blog would be “fueled by a strong cup of joe - but mostly strong opinions.” In the spirit of letting the readers know what she really thinks, and not holding back, no matter who she has to offend, Guerrero gives us some controversial statements like, “Country music when performed live is really quite enjoyable,” and “Apparently, female country stars no longer sport sequins, cleavage, blue eye shadow or big hair, which was disappointing, but the dudes mostly still wear cowboy hats, which is good to know.”

And because alcoholism and addiction are gut-bustingly funny, Guerrero closes with this exchange with Daly:

“Lisa G: Last question: Beer, wine or moonshine?

Daly: All of the above.”

Before you ask, yes, I already forwarded her column to the Pulitzer committee.