Brock Lesnar, who can only travel in specially zoned areas designated safe for heavy transport, ex-communicated Randy Couture’s senses from his body in less than 10 minutes last night to claim the UFC heavyweight crown in UFC 91.  (Unfortunately, Lesnar will have to wear the crown as a pinky ring.)

(Video of the fight can be found at SPORTAPHILE and at Godzilla film festivals worldwide)

Couture may have shown far more fighting prowess in his career, but Lesnar took one look at his attacker and provided a cinematic solution, catching Couture with what Couture himself called “bigass hamhocks” and pounding his tiny human-sized head into the canvas.  (Actually, we suspect the ring mat had to be made of ShamWows to soak up all the blood and smaller body parts.)

The ring will now be returned to its former home as the foundation for the Freedom Tower in lower Manhattan since it is done having to support the weight of a violently-moving Brock Lesnar.  Lesnar could not be reached for comment after the fight due to “a blue ox illness in the family”.

(You see, Brock Lesnar is big.)