Leno: "This is the time of year the mailman appreciates getting a little something. Always thinking of giving the mailman a little something extra, at least that’s what Karl Malone told Kobe’s wife."
"Now Kobe claims Karl tried to kiss his wife. In fact, Kobe says he has proof. It looks like Karl may have left some Super Poly Grip on his wife’s blouse."
"My tree’s been up for less than a week and it’s already completely dried out, needles everywhere. It looks like the floor of a major league locker room: needles everywhere."
"It looks like baseball is finally going to adopt a tougher steroid policy. Starting this season, they’re cutting off steroid sales after the seventh inning."
"Senator John McCain says he’s worried that steroid abuse in professional sports will spill over into the fans using them. But isn’t that a good thing? I mean don’t we want our fans on steroids? At least this way when the athletes go into the stands to beat the hell out of them they can defend themselves."
"There is good news for baseball. This year attendance grew 5%. The bad news: Barry Bonds grew 30%"