SPORTSbyBROOKS, in cooperation with King World Productions, Don King, and Viewers Like You, brings you the best and brightest of Beijing Olympic coverage while you were invading Cobb County in sympathy with your Eurasian brethren:

• Michael Phelps continued his made-for-TV dive through the record books, gathering gold like Prospector Pete. In fact, his 100m butterfly win by .01 seconds over Serbia’s Milorad Čavić (who seems to be taking it well, all things considered) would seem to be absolutely perfect for HDTV broadcast of the photo finish. Except, of course, the swimming governing body (FINA, naturally) decided not to share its photos. (No worries, though, kids; FINA got Colin Powell to present the gold medal to Phelps, so you know it’s correct. Move along; nothing to see here.)
• Tyson Gay finishes fifth in his heat in the semifinals, eliminating him from the 100m final in track and field. We could not be more pleased this happened on a Saturday morning in the US if it had to happen at all; it gives morning shock jocks and sports radio funnymen 48 hours to consider if their “we never knew something so Gay could be so gay” jokes merit the FCC fines.

More on vomiting and race relations (so to speak) after a brief commercial from Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola: we’d like to buy the world a Coke because the first one’s always free.

• Lopez Lamong and Bernard Lagat both advance in running heats, leaving our voice mail full of rants from Lou Dobbs about the advancements in immigrant speed leading to weakened borders. It’s okay, Lou; Breaux Greer’s from Louisiana. That only seems like a foreign country. To the President.
• And finally, NBC obsessed over the white American girl in the 10k, granting face time and mama face time to Shalane Flanagan as she pulled a bronze out of her well-worn posterior as she fought off what she thought was a horrible case of food poisoning three days before the event. US officials were quick to label the problem winding its way through US track and field athletes a “stomach virus“. That would be a more political answer, considering all the work the US Olympic Committee put into food preparation.