Ladies and Gentlemen, Pacman Is Officially Back!

Mothers, lock up your stripper-daughters. Adam “Honestly, Stop Calling Me Pacman” Jones is back on the loose!

Pacman Jones

ESPN reports that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has told the Cowboys that Mr. Jones will be eligible to make it rain with punishing tackles during the regular season-opener against the Browns on September 7th. This gives Cleveland police a mere 10 days to prepare themselves for the onslaught of terror and violence that comes with any Pacman Adam Jones field trip.

To give the police a sense of what to expect, let’s take a trip down memory lane and examine Pacman’s Adam’s lengthy rap sheet:

  • July 13th, 2005: Arrested for assault and felony vandalism after a nightclub altercation.
  • September 5th, 2005: Counseled by police after a “loud verbal tantrum” at the Nashville Sports Council Kickoff Luncheon.
  • October, 2005: A petition filed against Jones for not making sufficient contact with his parole officer.
  • August 25th, 2006: Disorderly conduct and public intoxication after claiming a woman stole his wallet. She said she didn’t, but just in case, Pacman retaliated by hocking a loogie on her.
  • October 26th, 2006: Misdemeanor assault after Pacman partook in his new favorite hobby of spitting on women.
  • February 19th, 2007: The monumental Las Vegas nightclub shooting case, with the making of the rain, and the pulling of the hair, and the slamming of the head, and the biting of the ankles, etc.
  • May 7th, 2007: Driving 79 mph in a 55 mph zone.

So, there you have it, Cleveland cops. Have fun. And if this latest report is true - that Pacman Adam was in a Hooters when he received news that his suspension was over - it’s clear that he’s completely cleaned up his act. Just like Andy Dick.

You folks shouldn’t have anything to worry about.