Juice Won’t Be Loose For Another Fifteen Years

The OJ Simpson saga has finally come to a fitting conclusion (unless there’s appeals - oh God, spare us the appeals), as judge Jackie Glass handed down a 15-year prison sentence to the former running back and actor.

OJ guilty
(”Welp, time to hit the ol’ dusty trail…”)

That’s 15 years for 12┬ácharges, including such delightful acts as kidnapping, armed robbery, and a host of other things you’re really not allowed to do with a deadly weapon.

Simpson, you may remember, landed himself in trouble for attempting to recover stolen property from memorabilia sellers … by kidnapping the dealers at gunpoint. That was wrong, and OJ really should not have done that. To his credit, Simpson declined to turn the two men into Pez dispensers, so he’ll be able to walk free when he’s 76, instead of never.

And so that’s it for the OJ stuff from now on (or at least until he walks out of jail all old ‘n’ stuff). We’re pretty much done. The barrage of punishment most people sort of hoped for didn’t really come down on Simpson’s head; recall that when he was first charged, the talk was of “up to 60 years,” not 15. Perhaps it’s the tried-and-true cinematic notion of karmatic retribution when it comes to murder–only blood will satisfy as payment (which is why “The Sopranos” ending pissed so many people off).

But that’s the difference between mundane reality and the sensationalism that always trailed OJ. There is no hail of bullets to end this story, just 15 long, cold, lonesome years for a man who many not have that many left to begin with. Fitting or not, for those of you who wanted justice, it has been served.