Judge Laughs Off Giuliani Via Caddyshack Quotes

Andrew Giuliani’s absurd lawsuit against Duke University for kicking him off the golf team was just the latest frivolous litigation that ties up our courts and wastes taxpayer dollars. That’s what I thought, at least, until a district court judge told Li’l Giuliani to go play in the sand trap, with the greatest legal screed of our times.

Andrew Giuliani

(You’ll get nothing, and like it.)

I’d like to nominate Wallace W. Dixon for the Supreme Court, because his written opinion savages Giuliani’s case by way of some awesome golf puns and even quotes from Caddyshack. As Ty Webb would say, “Don’t sell yourself short, Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch.”

You’ll recall Giuliani sued Duke, claiming he was promised “lifetime access” to the school’s golf facilities, only to be sent to the clubhouse by a new coach. The school argued that Giuliani had a pattern of bad behavior, including breaking a club, disrespecting coaches and throwing an apple at a teammate’s head. Thankfully, Judge Dixon ruled for sanity:

“The plaintiff contends that all elements for a breach of contract were properly alleged. His analysis, however, slices far from the fairways … Plaintiff’s fifth and final claim for declaratory judgement can be disposed of with a hole-in-one sentence: no valid contract means no declaratory judgment.”

And, regarding another argument:

“Plaintiff attempts to take a mulligan with this argument; however, this shot also lands in the drink.”

And while Giuliani misses the cut more often than not, judge Dixon doesn’t miss the chance for a cutting sting. He writes that yet another argument “brings to mind Carl Spackler’s analysis from the movie ‘Caddyshack’”:

“He’s on the final hole. He’s about 455 yards away, he’s gonna hit about a 2 iron, I think.”

Dixon’s opinion isn’t binding, and the case will continue through the courts. But it’s as damning as if he had quoted Judge Smails: “I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.”